From the "outside"

I am learning that there are many, many people out there that are and were feeling exactly like I was when Steven was diagnosed - lost, empty, terrified and not knowing how to go forward.

My whole world changed and I had no clue how to deal with it. I felt selfish that I was thinking of myself, it was not me that has this cancer! I felt selfish that I could not think of other people's problems right then, or for that matter anything else at all. I think that it was very fortunate that Steven had just moved out of home - I am sure I would have, at the least, smothered him or really put some more strain on him by reacting the way I did right in the beginning.

It is important that we who are "on the outside" get to hear and know that our reactions, feelings and worries are totally normal - that its ok not to cope with it - and that not dealing with it, is in itself a way of dealing with it. It is not easy and sometimes I wonder if it is not emotionally easier to be the patient......... my final verdict is out on that especially since I am definately coping a whole lot better thanks to family, friends and so many out there that I have not even met.

They have all helped me see that my reactions and feelings were and are, normal. I hope that I never get cancer, unless God listens to my bargain and takes it from Steven and gives it to me......... Then I guess I will know who has it 'easier'. Is it normal to use that word in the same paragraph as the word cancer? Is it not totally crazy to admit that Steven has "the good cancer"? A new world, a new normal. Yes, Penny, that new normal is becoming clearer.......and it seems ok - so far. Reading the stories of other people in my situation has really help so very much. I wish more people who are the caregivers, parents and partners would share their stories - it helps us cope better and thereby helps the cancer patient too.

After the first two weeks of definately not coping we decided that for everyones sanity, I needed to get on some anti-depressant, even just short term. So I dug out a couple of bottles of samples that I had saved over the years, and started taking them. I have never been on antidepressants before and never felt the need to - but this just floored me! So, one a day - three days running. I was doing pretty good! The fourth day I forgot to take it until that evening and was feeling fairly low so swallowed that little 'magic pill'. I tell ya - it was only 30 minutes and I was doing just great - smiling, laughing and actually thinking about more than just CML..........

As I realised this, I started laughing at myself. 4 days! No way was any anti-depressant pill going to work on me that quickly. I was fooling myself so thoroughly - so I stopped taking them. And I am fine. I am not recommending that other people do this - I am just a particularly stubborn person, have dealt with a good many issues without this type of help, so far, and it seems as if it is working for me. Now I walk. And kick stones along the way. It helps me more.

And this fundraiser................. this is one of the blessings we have been given - apart from seeing Steven doing well, of course!

{*.*}