Monday, September 24, 2007

Prettier days.........

Thank goodness that a day is only a day long! :-) I woke up today much better and think a good nights sleep had a lot to do with that.... I actually felt creative today so started playing with some of my photographs and a program I have. I love what I have been able to do - it makes me smile, remember the beauty all around us

A good day. :-)

Love and Light


Sunday, September 23, 2007

Angry days.

Today I am angry
Today I am angry that my kid has cancer
Today I am angry that cml is on my mind every day, every hour.
Today I am angry that my kid has to deal with this
Today I am angry that I have to deal with this
Today I am angry at cancer.

Nothing has changed, Steven looks good, sounds good and is getting on with life. What the heck is the matter with me?? I feel selfish for being angry about him having cancer - it's him that has it but I am so deeply affected by it. I am thankful that these days don't happen that often anymore, but today is one of those that I am really simply ticked off at the whole friggin situation!! Royally ticked off.

It's not that I sit here all depressed, its not that I look for a dog to kick, not even that I shed a tear - its just that feeling, deep down inside, that 'thing' that causes my insides to literally wobble and shake - and no -thats not the tire on my hips either - not this time. It's that constant string of thought that runs through my day. Sometimes I wake up like this, other times it arrives later and then I realise that it was there all the time anyway. I keep thinking of that movie "A River Runs Through It" - well, today my river was in full flood, thoroughly dampening the core of my day.

I don't like it.

And yes, I do realise that I am one of the lucky ones, that Steven is doing well and all that - that is the Sensible part of my brain. It went on vacation.

Talking of vacation - we are packing up to go on the road for about a month. The rv is almost fully packed and we are leaving on Saturday. Steven's birthday is on the 17th. And the conversation runs through my mind: can we go? Can I miss his birthday? Is it fair under the circumstances? Am I going to regret it later? Did I say conversation?? Ok - so I know that by going should/will/could tell him that I am totally confident that I think he is ok. Well, I AM, its just ............ you mom's out there! you know what I mean!

Ok - today is almost over. I am going to read the rest of the night away and tomorrow will be better. It's crazy that even when everything is going well, this hits me like it did today.

Love and light
and thanks

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Are things what they seem?

I find that I have a new fascination for seeing things up close and have been taking many really up close photographs - this in not one of them, but this is an example of my attempt to change things. Well, I cannot change the cml, but I can change other stuff :-)/ It seems that since Steven was diagnosed, I really do see things in a different way - I see that things that appear to be one thing, can quiet easily be another with just a few clicks of a mouse. That there are many different ways of seeing life, whether its an opinion or an item of a flower.

So this is one of my photos that I digitally altered. Does it make it a different flower? Has it changed what it is? Just because it is now almost unrecognisable from the original picture does not make it any different at all......

So that brings me to the question - what is really real? What is really the way I see it? Maybe its all just a matter of perspective at any given time or circumstance. I know that my perspective on what is important in life is very different now from what it was 20 years ago. Very different. Thankfully! LOL

Ok, ok - I am rambling and its time to call today a day.

Love and light
Ps. Shane, Lisa, Diane - I am sending you all very positive vibes, all the time! Hang in there.......XXXxxx

Of warmth and guilt.... and THANKS!

These two weeks have been very interesting. I am following a few different people through their cml experiences. Some going through transplant right now, others doing well and some waiting for a match so that they can go to transplant. I am totally fascinated by everything these people are going through and how amazingly they deal with it all.

I know that we deal with what we are going through, mostly, thats the way of life. But I have to say that I am really impressed with the strength of the younger generation dealing with this. There you have Erin with new baby - living her life to the fullest and able to worry about 'new baby' issues - real life things and not only cml. Then Lea, the positive vibe she exudes is amazing as she waits to hear about possible donors. That waiting must be very stressful, yet she keeps her sense of humor very much alive. Shane, who has just received his new cells and feeling really grotty - the strength of his family is wonderful. The poor man is not feeling very well right this very day, but his family is - and they are also dealing with all this in an amazingly positive way. And the others too..... there are so many wonderful stories out there....

Seeing all these people dealing with situations that are so different and at times, so much more difficult than Steven's situation has truely humbled me. I have met the most amazing people online, people who give me strength and hope and love and light just by sharing their stories, hopes and fears and best of all - the victories, the good blood results. I really love talking to the other mom's out there because we are on the same wavelength.... and I also love reading about how the people in Steven's age group are getting on with their lives. And then everyone else too - you all just fill my life in an incredibly positive way!

Tonight was the Light the Night walk here is Chattanooga. This has sat on my mind for many months already. This sounds, and is, really selfish and spoiled and ungrateful, but I literally did not have the energy to do a bigger scale fundraising this year. Steven was at work late this evening so we did not even go and join the walk. I called him earlier today, just to make sure that he was not going to be able to make the walk - he just wanted life to move on. I told him that I would love to walk with him, but if not this year, maybe next. And I do feel a little guilty about letting a night like this pass by with no effort on my part to participate or to help in a big way. Next year, I promise myself. I really want to walk The Walk, but I want my son at my side and I want him to be there because he really wants to be there....

We have a donation bottle in the shop and collect money there, most of our smaller repair jobs are paid for by a donation instead of a bill. I sell prints of my photos and paintings and collect in that way too - an ongoing effort as small as it is. I read with awe the amounts some of the teams have collected and the great effort they have gone to - and it honestly puts me to shame. And it makes me very grateful. Next year, I promise myself, I will be part of a team again, I will make a difference again on that front. I will contribute and Pay Forward again. I will......... I will. I am not allowed to leave the survival of this child of mine up to others without at least making an honest, concerted effort for him and to repay those that have done this over the past years.

So to all those that raised any amount for the Leukemia Society - a really BIG Thank You! I love you all for your efforts and dedication and for bringing the cure closer.

Monday, September 17, 2007

nothing now :-)

Many times words come to my mind - sometimes they are worried words, sometimes they are contented words with that feeling, and sometimes I think of something deep and profound, but then I am not near the computer and it does not feel or sound the same later that day or the next so thats why I have not written for a while. And also because everything seems to be going along just fine.

Steven is tired, but thats because he is 'playing hard' and has had a rough week this past one, work and college wise. They stopped by here yesterday to pick up their doglet that we babysat for them for the weekend - they both look good, and the doglets are exhausted, as are we! LOL. Here is a photo of them taking a short break... Look how exhausted little Allie is!

I found a few new blogs, some written from the people who are going through bone marrow transplants and one written by a mom too. I literally devour these blogs, finding now that I can read them, cry the tears and laugh as their stories take the twists and turns through heartache, pain and joy.... but I am able to let them go too. I mean that I am able to keep it in perspective and not let other sad stories drag me down - but I do keep going back to check.... I want to find good in this cancer journey - I have to!
So now we have another week and another cbc coming up - but I just know its going to be ok. No other option is acceptable.
Love and light

Monday, September 10, 2007

Mama scans.........

Mama scans are those things we do as mothers to our kids as they come through the door.. I think this is a normal thing to do, but its definately accentuated when a child is going through a bad time or if they have a disease as Steven has. A friend of mine wondered if we actually buzz while doing our scans, and I have to say yes, I am sure we do. Do the kids know? Yes, I think they do, but they know its because we care. And as the time goes on and things get more stable, that scan look in our eyes can become hidden behind a smile, even in the eyes.

This past week, on his way home after work Steven stopped by to say hello. He lives literally a quarter mile away and has to drive past our house to go home. He had passed by and then turned around to come in here. After chatting for a few minutes, he casually mentioned that he was starting to feel lousy, sore throat, stuffy head and such stuff. Oh boy - talk about antennae shooting straight up and even vibrating on the way up!! LOL. But........... cucumber cool on the outside. I asked him if he had taken anything, not even reaching for his forehead to test for a temperature. Good hey? He said that Laura knew what meds he cannot take and that he was going to take something and was sure he would get over it. I agreed with him and said that I hoped he got to feeling better soon. And so the conversation moved on to other things. He did not stay long at all this time, which is good too because I would rather have him stop by for short periods regularly than have long periods between seeing him.

I wondered afterwards if that was his way to check to see if he needed to worry. Last time he felt like this was when he was diagnosed with leukemia at the beginning of last year. I am so thankful that I have learned enough to keep my cool and treat this as a simply bout of mild flu even though at some level it was natural to be concerned, obviously. So thankful. It gave my kid assurance that its ok, that he need not worry and that maybe, after all, a cold is still just a cold - flu is still just flu. I know that he watches my 'freak level' to see what he needs to worry about - well, not on everything regarding the cml but I am sure that I am the 'second opinion' in many instances. I am glad that I gave him what he needed for this. :-)

So, of course, on Saturday - the next day - I call to find out how he is feeling. He's doing fine. So how do I ask him again on Sunday without sounding as if I am checking on him too much.......... It's not normal for me to speak to him every day and did not want to give him cause to doubt my calm reaction on Friday. So when we went shopping we bought an extra container of strawberries for them and that way I could hear how he was doing and even get to see him when he stopped by to pick them up. He sounded great, looked great and was back to being bouncy too.

What was really lovely was that when he first told me about feeling sick and my antennae shot up like that, the first full signal they picked up was not 'full worry mode' at all. The first signal was 'be sensible'. And I could pass this on to Steven. I find that more and more, he wants to talk less and less about this cancer. And that is the way it should be. He was feeling lousy, he came and told me - thats more than I could ever ask for. That trust, that belief in my honesty, thats so precious.

We have the local Light the Night walk coming up this week and Steven has said that he has lots of work to catch up on as he goes to school 3 nights a week and needs to put in some overtime, so he wont be walking. I wish I could walk with him, but while we walk, he will be getting on with his life - and I prefer it to be this way because its what he needs.

And I guess my mama scan will always be stronger on this one of my three children. Even after the cure for cml is found.

Love and light