Sunday, September 23, 2007

Angry days.

Today I am angry
Today I am angry that my kid has cancer
Today I am angry that cml is on my mind every day, every hour.
Today I am angry that my kid has to deal with this
Today I am angry that I have to deal with this
Today I am angry at cancer.

Nothing has changed, Steven looks good, sounds good and is getting on with life. What the heck is the matter with me?? I feel selfish for being angry about him having cancer - it's him that has it but I am so deeply affected by it. I am thankful that these days don't happen that often anymore, but today is one of those that I am really simply ticked off at the whole friggin situation!! Royally ticked off.

It's not that I sit here all depressed, its not that I look for a dog to kick, not even that I shed a tear - its just that feeling, deep down inside, that 'thing' that causes my insides to literally wobble and shake - and no -thats not the tire on my hips either - not this time. It's that constant string of thought that runs through my day. Sometimes I wake up like this, other times it arrives later and then I realise that it was there all the time anyway. I keep thinking of that movie "A River Runs Through It" - well, today my river was in full flood, thoroughly dampening the core of my day.

I don't like it.

And yes, I do realise that I am one of the lucky ones, that Steven is doing well and all that - that is the Sensible part of my brain. It went on vacation.

Talking of vacation - we are packing up to go on the road for about a month. The rv is almost fully packed and we are leaving on Saturday. Steven's birthday is on the 17th. And the conversation runs through my mind: can we go? Can I miss his birthday? Is it fair under the circumstances? Am I going to regret it later? Did I say conversation?? Ok - so I know that by going should/will/could tell him that I am totally confident that I think he is ok. Well, I AM, its just ............ you mom's out there! you know what I mean!

Ok - today is almost over. I am going to read the rest of the night away and tomorrow will be better. It's crazy that even when everything is going well, this hits me like it did today.

Love and light
and thanks

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