Monday, September 10, 2007

Mama scans.........

Mama scans are those things we do as mothers to our kids as they come through the door.. I think this is a normal thing to do, but its definately accentuated when a child is going through a bad time or if they have a disease as Steven has. A friend of mine wondered if we actually buzz while doing our scans, and I have to say yes, I am sure we do. Do the kids know? Yes, I think they do, but they know its because we care. And as the time goes on and things get more stable, that scan look in our eyes can become hidden behind a smile, even in the eyes.

This past week, on his way home after work Steven stopped by to say hello. He lives literally a quarter mile away and has to drive past our house to go home. He had passed by and then turned around to come in here. After chatting for a few minutes, he casually mentioned that he was starting to feel lousy, sore throat, stuffy head and such stuff. Oh boy - talk about antennae shooting straight up and even vibrating on the way up!! LOL. But........... cucumber cool on the outside. I asked him if he had taken anything, not even reaching for his forehead to test for a temperature. Good hey? He said that Laura knew what meds he cannot take and that he was going to take something and was sure he would get over it. I agreed with him and said that I hoped he got to feeling better soon. And so the conversation moved on to other things. He did not stay long at all this time, which is good too because I would rather have him stop by for short periods regularly than have long periods between seeing him.

I wondered afterwards if that was his way to check to see if he needed to worry. Last time he felt like this was when he was diagnosed with leukemia at the beginning of last year. I am so thankful that I have learned enough to keep my cool and treat this as a simply bout of mild flu even though at some level it was natural to be concerned, obviously. So thankful. It gave my kid assurance that its ok, that he need not worry and that maybe, after all, a cold is still just a cold - flu is still just flu. I know that he watches my 'freak level' to see what he needs to worry about - well, not on everything regarding the cml but I am sure that I am the 'second opinion' in many instances. I am glad that I gave him what he needed for this. :-)

So, of course, on Saturday - the next day - I call to find out how he is feeling. He's doing fine. So how do I ask him again on Sunday without sounding as if I am checking on him too much.......... It's not normal for me to speak to him every day and did not want to give him cause to doubt my calm reaction on Friday. So when we went shopping we bought an extra container of strawberries for them and that way I could hear how he was doing and even get to see him when he stopped by to pick them up. He sounded great, looked great and was back to being bouncy too.

What was really lovely was that when he first told me about feeling sick and my antennae shot up like that, the first full signal they picked up was not 'full worry mode' at all. The first signal was 'be sensible'. And I could pass this on to Steven. I find that more and more, he wants to talk less and less about this cancer. And that is the way it should be. He was feeling lousy, he came and told me - thats more than I could ever ask for. That trust, that belief in my honesty, thats so precious.

We have the local Light the Night walk coming up this week and Steven has said that he has lots of work to catch up on as he goes to school 3 nights a week and needs to put in some overtime, so he wont be walking. I wish I could walk with him, but while we walk, he will be getting on with his life - and I prefer it to be this way because its what he needs.

And I guess my mama scan will always be stronger on this one of my three children. Even after the cure for cml is found.

Love and light


Anonymous said...

The scan is always there and will never change-maybe just in intensity.

Anonymous said...


Oh my goodness, this is TRULY an amazing website! Did you create this? I am actually in awe that you have this all set up. I can tell you are the most loving mom in the world. Look at all you have done for Steven and for the rest of us in the CML community. You are the love and light- you really are. You always offer encouraging words, make the efforts to post comments on my caringbridge site or at Glamour today, and having all of these fundraisers for the good of the cause!
Also, one of the best things you said was that although you would like to be walking with him, you would rather see him move on with his life. He is going forward and moving on. That is amazing and much to do with you as a loving caregiver.