Thursday, September 17, 2009
I guess the best thing about not updating the blog is that there really is nothing going on that finds me desperately pounding on the keyboard late at night. But there have been many general thoughts swirling through my mind over the past weeks.
A good friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer and another died from cancer just last weekend and it makes me so sad, so incredibly sad. It's not only the loss of my friend from Florida that makes me sad, but that another person has now started down a road where everything changes, all the way to the words, vocabulary, abbreviations and even the disliking/liking of a certain shade of pink!
Almut, my Florida friend, wanted to be quiet, to withdraw while she learned to deal with her diagnosis. She needed to turn her strength inwards and hoped so hard to get better that by the time she went to hospice, we could not say goodbye - she could not speak on the phone anymore. I hope she knows that she brightened my days, made me laugh, made me mad, made me think about so many things and that I will always remember her with a smile.
And all of this brings me to realize (again - duh!) that there is nothing I can do about living or dying, there is nothing I can do that will stop any of this happening and it seems to be happening more and more. It was just a very few years ago that I could literally count the people that were important in my life that I knew who had died, on the fingers on one hand. Now it's all around me and it's all too regular that the tears flow from the death of someone else.
Yes, it's difficult - but even more so, its strengthened me. It's opened my eyes and made me see the absolute importance of living each day the very best we can. Not to waste too many moments in life - there just are not that many, after all. It's made me free to cry with joy at a wonderful story of success, of someone getting through treatment and getting on with life. It's made me see that no matter what I do, say or feel, someone else will die, will be diagnosed and will walk the long road of cancer.
It's made me see the importance of telling those close to you how you enjoy their company, their laughter, the ways they lighten my load and brighten my days. It's made me love more openly and laugh all the way from my toes. It makes me realize on a daily basis, just how fortunate I am on so very many levels.
This is life. Does that sound hard? Probably, but it is..... we cannot have life without death, no matter how much it hurts. I consider myself really, really fortunate...... my whole family is still here, Steven is doing well on Gleevec and I am able to step back and "take a break" from cancer, unlike all those dealing with it.
Of course I worry about Steven, but its nothing like it was even 2 years ago. Of course I am deeply affected by the loss of my friends and the children of the other moms I talk to.... I am also affected by the great strength of everyone I have met dealing with cancer, whether they are still here or not. It literally brightens my day to hear the great results of so many people, by their successes and their strength in getting themselves restarted in their lives and all the things they go through to get through each day... and all this fills me with the ability to live my life on a much deeper level than I ever imagined.
And so........in just a few days time, we leave for South America for one fantastic vacation and I will not be posting here for about a month. To follow our trip, click here: http://www.GalapagoBaggs.blogspot.com. So many of you will be coming with me in my heart and my mind and I will send many prayers, wishes and happy vibes out over the ocean for you all.
love and light