Friday, May 27, 2011

Time for a sunset :)

Yesssssssssss!  The results were once again great :)  0.017%.

This has been an incredible five years,  I have felt the full range of emotions along the way - pure terror all the way to the daily joy of seeing that Steven is doing so incredibly well despite cml in his life.  I have learned so much, gained confidence enough to question those doctors even if and when they were intimidating;  learned that no matter what, when a test result is due, patience is just not an attainable feeling for me.  So many friends have enriched my life beyond measure....... some I got to know very well and all of you will always be a part of who I have become.  The support and encouragement over these years has been truly priceless and I am incredibly thankful to everyone that helped me through the years since that horrible day of diagnosis.

I have also come to the conclusion that its time for me to move on, to leave cml treatment up to Steven and to step into a new phase of my life.  Of course I will always keep an extra beady eye on Steven and cml and will no doubt still worry about his results, but its not the same as it was three years ago - or even last year.  I feel safe enough to let go those reigns and keep watch from more of a distance.  I am almost sure that not much will really be different, just that I need to find a new focus seeing that he is doing so well.  Life is pretty much cml free apart from the PCR tests he has.  How incredibly fortunate we are.

Now if something changes, you will hear the revving sounds from wherever you are!  Then I will start my cml motors again and climb back into the battlefield.  Lets hope that time never arrives.  So now this blog will probably only be updated with his results and if there is any news regarding Steven's cml directly.

It's really been a wonderful, incredible, sad, lonely, happy, joyful and amazing five and a bit years that I have poured my heart and soul into.

The end of something is most often the beginning of something else....... a sunset is an assurance that the day is done, that I cannot go back and re do anything and it gives me the encouragement to make the most of as many tomorrows as I have.

May your tomorrow be the very best it can be......

love and light
Steven's mom

Monday, May 23, 2011


I just really, really need a good pcr result for Steven on Thursday..........

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

We forgot!

Still waiting for those PCR results........ and the most amazing thing happened.  We both forgot, totally forgot his doctors appointment on Tuesday!

It was quite something to find that I was smiling as I texted Steven to ask him about the appointment.... smiling!  I never ever would have thought that I could ever have totally forgotten about an appointment to get those results, but to be able to laugh about it - wow.

Now I hope this does not happen again, and I definitely don't think its generally a good thing to forget a doctors appointment - but under the circumstances, I know that it brings a lot of peace with it - forgetting this time felt gooooood!

I know better than to become complacent, to pretend that there is nothing to worry about.  I know that sometimes life just does not work out the way we want or need it too.  And with this in mind, I want to ask you all to visit with Dori and her family.  This family has shown such strength, such character and caring..... send them a message, a hug.

Life is so incredibly precious, so tenuous and worth living every single minute to the best of our ability.  I often wonder how I would live tomorrow if I could see into my future.   Maybe thats why we cannot see tomorrow.  Just live today the best way possible, this moment is all we really have.

Love and light

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Waiting with happiness

The test is done and the waiting has begun.  First, due to the tornadoes in the area, Steven had to postpone his pcr test by a week, but now its done and the wait is officially here.

And I am not worried.  Maybe there is so much going on in my life that its just filled that 'cml worry' space for now, but I absolutely know that I really have no control over his results, so I am learning to ride that wave much more gently these days.  Maybe.  Hopefully.

Tonight was one of the best nights ever..... had both my girls here and am so extremely grateful for that. There really is so much good in the world.  Sometimes we look at only what is in our face and forget to look at the other good stuff.  Tonight is really good :)

And the wait for those pcr results will be as long as its going to be - no longer, no shorter, no matter what I do or think or feel.......

so for now I am just going to keep going one step at a time, relaxing and living life the best way possible with a huge smile and an enormous dollop of grateful.

love and light