Tuesday, April 25, 2006

And now?

So everything is ambling along just right. The blood counts are looking good, the doctor is great and best of all - Steven is feeling and looking really good. A bit of fatigue - but hey, that's a small price to pay for all this...........even if I do say so myself.

As is right, everyone is less 'freaked out', everything is calmer, the phone calls are dwindling and the the worry in voices is dissappearing. This is still a disease that is really scary, but even with this happening, life is determined to move on, as it should. It's a bit like varnish - put a thick drop the floor and with time it will smooth out - softening and thinning at the edges, almost becoming undetectable, except for a small bump. This is what it feels like right now. And one never knows when that bump will trip you up! Ok - I am sure there is a better way to describe this - but, for now, you get varnish. :-)

The last two months have been so intense and Monday was such a relief that I found it difficult to settle. There is nothing to actively do regarding the CML, very little point in worrying or even being too concerned until the next test - and then I trust that that one will be just fine too, so there is little value in even thinking about that one too much at all. Right?

So that leaves what? A bit of a blank hole. A space that feels like it should be filled. I always thought that if someone had cancer, it would consume everything else. And it did for me - but now that the initial scare is over..............what? the worry must go away? Must change? must what? How can one not be worried, how does one worry only a little bit about your child having cancer? I don't know, and it will probably take a few days to get used to this wonderful and confusing space of not having to be terrified.

Ok - the funny picture now in my mind is from the Pink Panther movies when Inspector Clueseau never knows when he is going to be attacked by his man servant. It's going to be that back-seat anticipation that I will have to get used to, and I know we will all deal with it if that ever happens......... I guess it will take time settling into that 'new normal'. I think maybe the trick would be to take the "worry" out of the equation and put in 'watchfulness', 'awareness'. Or maybe just a really good nights sleep would work just as well.

Tomorrow will be better and if it is not, I will stalk, not walk, down the road until it does get better! Dogs watch out.............. I have been doing some reading on what stress can do on a deep level in our bodies and its amazing how much stress affects all aspects of our makeup. Its this that really makes me want to de-stress and especially to get to a space in my mind that is more like the spread-out varnish.

Day-after-tomorrow: It got better, much better......... :-)


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