Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My Thoughts

I was terrified when I first read of all the possibilities that Stevens symptoms could mean. I could not eat or sleep and I worried myself into adding a good few thousand gray hairs. The Sunday before we got the official word that it is leukemia, I had to do something - thank goodness it was a beautiful day and Frank and I pulled out the tiller he tilled and I nearly killed the rose bush while it bit at my hands. Those few days passed in a haze. Then came the diagnosis and it felt as if something had sucked the life out of me - the only thing that worked were my tear ducts - and they worked well. And my mouth. What came out was probably not associated in any way with my mind, but I knew I talked a lot - especially while still at the hospital. A lot. And I laughed some too - I never knew I laughed like that when nervous/terrified/horrified etc.

Since I have been able to talk to people about this, and with the regular reading I am doing regarding this disease, and with the incredible support my family and friends are giving me, I am dealing with this better. Seeing Steven regularly helps too - he looks just the same. I so want things to turn back to "Before CML" and I swear to myself each time he comes in that I wont harp on this, rather treat things as 'normal'. But some or other flippin lecture always creeps in. Sometimes only in the form of quickly placed words "drink lots of water" or "avoid sick people" and sometimes more wordy stuff burbles out of my mouth.

I have to take my hat off to Steven, he takes this well without any 'oh mom's" - yet. Frank knows that most of my conversations revolve around Steven and the CML and the new medications and hopes and cures for this disease.

This is still scary for me. I refuse to hide from the words 'cancer' and 'leukemia', but I am learning to put them into the perspective of this form of it, believe what the research and doctors say and believe with all my heart that Steven will become an ornery old man of 89 one day!

When something like this disease attacks someone, an incredible number of people are affected, mostly positively. Some will make sure they have insurance coverage, others will go for blood tests and doctors visits sooner than planned and others simple let us all know what wonderful folks they are by showing us all possible support. If I was a vampire I could have the worlds greatest stock of blood from all the offers of testing for bone marrow compatibility! Its really been fantastic to see the positive reaction. And what has impressed me most is the way that Steven and Laura are handling this. They are not putting their plans on hold, they are not allowing this to get them down. Steven is still going to start college this year, he goes to work as normal as does Ms Laura and she already goes to college as well - they are honestly living thier life with both feet firmly planted on the ground and their whole heart - its wonderful to see.

I am a really fortunate mother. I have three amazing 'kids' all doing really great in their lives - they all have such positive outlooks in life, great attitudes and dreams.
Well, time to quit for now.

A really big thank you to everyone that has shown such amazing support, we really treasure it and, for me, makes this road a whole lot easier to walk.

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