quieter soul

So where did all this newfound 'freedom' leave me? Well, its a growing and learning process, and I know that I have tried it before. This time I have done better than last time, but to be realistic, its only been about a week! Steven has the flu and I have rationed myself to one call every second day - it's such a fine line to walk - call him and feel like I am fussing, or don't call and then it feels like I don't really care about him feeling sick... big sigh. But I did what I thought was best and called him with all sorts of valid reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with flu or cml - of course! :) But it gave me what I needed to help along the weaning process - a telephonic robo-scan. And I bet if I asked Steven, he would not mind me checking up on him and I know that I am probably making a bigger deal out of it than what it is, but this is what happens in my head when something like the 'simple flu' raises its head in our lives.

But on a different level - deciding and understanding and accepting that I need to step back a little, or a lot or that simply it's not necessary to be this involved at this stage leaves a space in my days and in my head. It's not that I have something that I need to stop doing, it's not as if I am not still obviously involved the same as I was last month and the month before - it's just the level that is different. But it still leaves that hole, a gap, and empty place.

I didn't think that would happen - or even could happen. Just an acceptance of something, a mental backing off.......... it leaves an obvious gap? So I have been playing a lot of snood on the computer. The shop has also been much quieter this past week which has also probably contributed to the 'empty feeling'. But no, that's not it. It is more than just having extra time, it's more than not doing something I am used to doing - whatever that was, it's something deeper than this. It's like giving something up, something tangible. It's a definate letting go. Or letting be.

It's not a bad feeling in any way - just sort of confusing at first and left me lost in a strange way for the first day or three. Then it moved to being just an "extra space" and now I am slowly filling that space by playing with my photographs and generally just getting on with it all. But I am leaving that space available - I guess it's like a fat cell, always there and always very easy to fill, but probably better not to have it full up at any time at all. Ok - even I had to laugh at this analogy and wonder where it came from..........

I honestly find my soul quieter this past week. I saw Steven briefly this evening and even if he is still all bunged up with flu, he looks well enough that I really am not concerned at all. Maybe this is just the flu this time again.

We are now at the two year mark since his diagnosis - so many memories come flying to the surface and it feels like lifetimes ago that all that happened. Also just like yesterday. He was diagnosed because he had flu that just would not go away. Hmmmmmm. Nope - not worrying. Yet :-)

And may my 'worry cell' stay relatively empty for ever...........and ever.

love and light