Waiting

Every time Steven has a test done I promise myself that I will not get freaky, that I will cope better, that I won't worry, that worrying wont help anyway - you know, all those sensible thoughts........ but the waiting becomes old, very old. The fears and what-if's eventually creep back in and the black circles grow under my eyes again. Unfortunately the fat does not melt away from my hips, but I definately do become more stressed.

I find myself withdrawing, going quiet, turning into myself. I find my emails to my friends and family becoming shorter and it becomes harder to concentrate on anything for any length of time. I find that cancer is everywhere and the last week of the three week wait for results is the week that I get angry again. Is it scared or angry? Dunno - I have not yet figured his out - but have a flippin good idea that its at the very least, both.

So this morning I called the doctors office to see if OHSU had sent the PCR test back yet and they called back late afternoon telling me that the test had just arrived, but seeing as Dr J was not in the office, he would have to call me tomorrow. Thats enough to reduce a semi-sensible woman into a pleading, begging fool! But I didn't. I said I would wait - like I had any choice anyway! And went to make sure my cell phone is fully charged...

Yesterday it was easier to wait. It was easier when I thought the test was not finished, but now that those numbers are here in Chattanooga, I can feel my whole body is more tense than 3 seconds before that phone call earlier today.

What is, is. The test results are what they are, no matter if they are in OHSU or here - but knowing that does not ease the anticipation. At all. We are expecting a slight jump in numbers because the OHSU lab is more sensitive than the one Steven's blood had been going to before - and I know that is going to make me worry a tad, even though I know that its all ok.

There are days that I simply hate cancer. This is one of them.

Tomorrow WILL be better.

Love and light.
love and light................