Monday, March 19, 2007

Reality, at times........

Today I read about people losing the fight against cml and I don't want to hear it. I don't want to read it and I don't want to believe it. The click of a mouse can take it away from my eyes, but those people, those families will stay in my head, in my heart. Especially when I lay down and its dark and its quiet and the night stretches long.

Reality, at times, is too strong, too harsh.

I want to believe that Steven will always be fine, that no mutations will develop that no complications will arise and that Gleevec will always work for him - until the cure, of course. No hiccups, no worries and no problems. I want to believe it so hard that I can almost believe that my believing it, will make it happen. Almost.

Where is that perfect world? Where is that place that I can lie down and just know that things will be great? I know there is no such place, but I wish..........

It's 'waiting for test result" weeks - again. They do get easier, but they are still hell. At times. Especially when I read about people dying from cml and dying young.

It makes me so sad to hear that. So sad. It makes me so scared to hear that.

And a friend's daughter was newly diagnosed with cancer, not cml but still. Another mother worries, a new cycle has begun. Another family altered, cancer now living in yet another household.

Maybe Steven's results will be in this week and the demons will lie down again. For a while.

But the hands that hold mine are holding firm and the strength flows strong back and forth through us all..... Thank God for this!

Love and light - and laughter.......

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