The first year is over......

Something really great happened last week. Penny's newest grandchild was born, she is absolutely, beautifully gorgeous, and her name is Penny Lee! ..... A few tears leaked out when I looked at the pictures, I know Penny would be so happy, so proud and I can almost see her smile. Penny did not just smile, she beamed, she oozed that smile and the happiness she felt when she was smiling. And Little Penny would have brought that all-incompassing smile to Penny's face.

This week has been a week of thinking, playing things over in my mind, remembering and wondering about all the changes that have happened in one short year. Yes, this week it has been a year since all this started. This time last year I was trying to pull a rose bush apart barehanded, this week a year ago Steven was pale and scared and feeling really sick, knowing that something was not right, but not knowing just how wrong it all was. I went back and re-read some of my writings from those days. Its made for an emotional week all in all.

For this one year celebration, what does one do? Bake a cake? Send a card? Or let it go quietly by? Is there any protocol for this? Is there any right or wrong? I know it depends on Steven and his feelings, but I cannot just ignore it - its the elephant in our lives and elephants dont get ignored very easily. Someone lovely passed on some good advice that she was given once - "Eat the elephant one bite at a time so you dont choke" I still smile when thinking of that one :-) Back to the one year mark...... celebrate? how? I will talk to Steven and Laura and maybe they can come over for supper and some good desert.........

We really do have so much to be thankful for. Bad things do happen in life and, especially in our situation as it is right now, it does not help to keep harping on the fact that he has cancer. We have to find a way to move forward, which we have done pretty well, I think. Steven and Laura were here the other night for supper and he looked better than I could have dreamed. His color was great, his smile beautiful, his attitude positive and his eyes shining. Laura and he are really lovely together, they kid around, laugh and smile so easily with each other......

Of course I did my 'mother-scan' as he came through the door but I managed not to ask him how he was feeling, managed not to hover, managed not to even broach the cml subject and managed not to ask him if he took his meds after supper. Tell me I'm good! It was difficult, so difficult but worth it as I saw him relaxing more and more as the evening went on. I dont want him or Laura to feel that everytime they come here, its all about cml and by not always talking about it, I hope they will see and feel the confidence I feel about everything continuing so smoothly.

It's only if I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep that my mind goes down those bumpy roads and its oh-so-difficult to get myself not to think of the 'what ifs'. When I read the support groups, I choose carefully the subjects I read - it won't help if I worry about mutations and trials and stuff unless we have to deal with those things one day. It's not always easy not to worry, not always easy to always be positive but I do feel we are all getting better at it.

A year ago our worlds were falling apart, now Steven is much better with the disease under control, he is really learning to live his life and he has coped with all this so incredibly well. He and Laura are doing wonderfully by all appearances and they are both so strong. I have gone from a total wreck to someone with a whole bunch of incredible new friends, some I have met and some not and some that I wont see again, but they are all so much a part of me now. I have learned to focus on the important things in life, not sweating the small stuff, as the saying goes.

What a year it has been. I honestly think a true celebration is in order on 6th March 2007 as a year that has helped us all become better, more understanding people and, of course, for Steven's health!

Steven will have another PCR test this coming Monday and his blood will be send across country to Oregon - OHSU for testing. Then the three week wait begins. And I just know the results will be good. I insist :-)

Everyone reading this is a part of the healing and coping process we have undergone. All the caring and kindness, understanding and contact has made it possible for us all to move forward. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love and Light
Annie