Monday, June 12, 2006

Rising pressure

It's so easy to 'bury' worry under other stuff. Not easy to succeed at this, but easy to keep trying! I see the road that I have travelled from a mere three months ago to now. It feels as if I have lived at least one other full lifetime since that diagnosis - only three months, only. Wow. So much has happened, so many feelings, fears, wonders and a tremendous amount of learning.

But for me, at least, there are days that are easier than I could imagine. There are other days when it all gets too much and I sit at that computer and play games over and over again, sometimes so deep in a place that is difficult to describe. Is it dispair, anger or simple, raw fear? One day we took the motorhome down to the Riverpark and went for a walk along the Tennessee River - just to do something different. Even there we bumped into Cancer. A group of people sitting having a picnic next to the river were talking about chemotherapy and recoveries, remissions etc. My reactions to this were totally mixed - one second I wanted to hug the lady, the next - I wanted to yell to stop talking! There are days when I still just want to stop, when I desperately need to hear a laugh in Steven's voice, so I call him for some little and unimportant reason. And then there are other days that I am vaguely aware that I am just pushing myself to keep on hacking away at trying to get this fundraiser sorted out - that if I stop with the self pressure, I will not deal with the worry again.

This is like diabetes, I thought. Until I saw the emotional pattern of the blood tests. At this stage Steven has them every two weeks. The ups, the downs and the "cruising stage" of this bi-monthly ritual make me realise that this is not diabetes - and another pile of paperwork gets sorted out in an effort to divert my thoughts. Then the cruising stage starts right after the results come in being good and I relax only to have the pressure rise as we get close to the next testing. How does that old song go? "Round and round the mulberry bush, mulberry bush, mulberry bush............................" Is this something I will ever get used to, or at the very least be more relaxed about?

Talking about rising pressures, Steven has his first PCR test on Wednesday this week at Vanderbilt in Nashville. This will give us a good idea of where the cancer is going......... but there is about 3 weeks to wait for the results of this test - hair raising weeks. Steven, Laura and I will drive up there while Frank keeps the shop going again. I have not been too much good in the shop lately and thankfully we have been quiet - its that time of year. Maybe if it gets really busy, it will do me good.

I have to say that everyone on the Yahoo Groups boards have been keeping me sane with all their advice, knowledge and help. And Debbie, and Penny - what would I do without you guys??

Thats me for tonight.


1 comment:

Penny said...

I have a feeling that the ups and downs are your new normal my dear. I'm with you through each step of the way as long as I can be and then beyond. :-)

lots of love