Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Running deep..

They are just so right together! Love little Buzz trying to get in on the photo from his perch in the bag.... I laughed at them last night - they said that they would not expect me to keep my rear end in a chair during the wedding - I will be running around taking photos! :-) One less chair for them to put out... I am thrilled they understand.

As always, my mind has been really busy lately and I have felt quite emotional since Steven and Laura got engaged. I have three children and I love them all equally and I am happy for them equally and at the same time, this new step for Steven feels different. It's like it runs deeper.

When Lisa and Brian got married, it was still only months after Steven's diagnosis and I was still very freaky and deeply emotional about everything relating to him - you should have seen me pouring over the photos of him and Lisa at her wedding, of him and Laura looking so happy there........aaarrrgh - those were indeed rough days. I realize that unfortunately, I was not fully focused on Lisa's wedding and her excitement. It's not that I was not happy or excited or that we did not go wedding dress shopping together or chatted for hours about it, its just that that time was a 'freaky time' for me with definately divided attention. Fortunately I know that Lisa understands and we don't have issues about it. Thanks girl! Joleen got married in Hawaii and I think that was different as we have not yet met her husband and there was no time to plan or get excited or be involved in any real way. I am so fortunate to have such understanding daughters. So much is missed when living far apart :(

And now with Steven. In a way I feel guilty because I recognise and accept that the feelings around this wedding run much deeper than the others. Just over two years ago, all hopes of seeing this young man happy and living as he is today, dissappeared into the mist of terror that surrounded me. I remember thinking that we would make a plan to keep him in his own apartment for as long as possible and then bring him home when things got too tough.....see? I can't even say the words that come after that! What a wonderful surprise when we all realised that he had so much more waiting for him than being bedridden, having his life shortened and terrifying treatment.

Now I see this man smiling, loving, laughing, growing, responding to gleevec very well and simply moving on. I see Laura accepting every part of him, even his cml, and loving him with it all, and this is awesome. Truely awesome....

Even though I do understand logically that things with Steven will always be, ummmmm, maybe more significant? Not taking any significance or importance away from my girls, but....... You know, I could go around and around with these feelings but the right words are not happening. It is what it is and I know that the beautiful, understanding young ladies that my daughters are, I know that they accept. Maybe one day I will too. And even better, maybe one day in about 30 years time it will all be equal again :-)

And the other day I sat on the grass in the front yard looking around me at the house, the garden, seeing everything growing so beautifully, the doglets chasing each other around, Frank gardening - and I thought. I thought that life could not get much better. It felt as if I was sitting in a bubble of happiness, contentment and peace. We are not rich, we don't live in a fancy neighborhood and we don't drive fancy cars - but I realised, as I sat on that lush green grass in the sunshine, just how incredibly blessed I am and how rich in happiness and fortunate I am.

Talking to a friend of mine today, it seems as if everwhere one turns, someone is having a really rough time, learning to live with devastation of some kind. Cancer touches us even if its not directly in our family. When someone in our community, school or friend circle gets a diagnosis of a disease like this - it really rocks the hearts of those in 'good places' with this disease. It destablizes the security we tend to feel and it also makes me realise how important it is to let the people in our lives know how much we treasure them - we never know whats just around the corner. Thanks Debs!

And so, with those thoughts, I want to ask you to talk to just one other person about registering to become a marrow donor. Just one this week. Even one will help.

Love and light
and an extra big dose winging its way to Kay and family in the UK. You are in my thoughts all day long.


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