Sunday, January 06, 2008

Boot Straps.

Today the Christmas Tree came down. Apparently we were in 'serious danger' of being called Rednecks for leaving the decorations up so long. :-) I thought it was ok to do so, but one of our customers enlightened us to this dilemma, so down came all the lights and the tree. I dutifully thanked that tree for being the conduit of so many happy and wonderful thoughts as I carefully packed all the baubles and my special gifts away till the end of this year. It was time, and now with all the decorations down, it is really true - Christmas is over and 2008 has arrived in ernest.

It was, all in all a good year. My lucky number has always been number 7 - thank goodness I did not have 7 children! LOL. As I was saying - 2007 was a pretty darn good year all in all and there is no point in pulling it apart, so I am simply going to try and make 2008 even better!

Now I just need to find my boot straps. My dad always used to talk about pulling oneself up by your bootstraps and getting on with life. Well, I cannot find my bootstraps! 2007 was great, Steven seems to be doing just fine, my girls are wonderful and everything is fine and dandy - but now I find it so incredibly difficult to get myself motivated to DO anything. I know I need to look into changing doctors for Steven, I know I need to start that process. I know that I need to start another year with a better plan on how to deal with this again.

And what I need to do is to stop trying to pretend and wish that cml is not still in our lives. Why can't we just start this year with a clean slate, no cml, no cancer. No? Well, the thought is there so much and I know I have been trying to push it all aside. There are actually times when it almost seems true that its all gone, no more cml, no more 'robo-scanning' my son as he comes in the door, no more counting the weeks till the next PCR. Speaking of which, we need to order the next kit from OHSU this coming week. His PCR is due the week after next. And then the wait begins. Again.

This writing is supposed to be therapeutic! But now I am starting to depress myself! Ok - snapped out of it...... I read some wonderful, heart-lightening words on Jerry's board just the other day. I know that I have heard them before, but this time they kinda sunk in. Here they are:
Dr. Druker supports your feelings on Quality of Life. He has said that ones QOL is more important than a deeper level of remission. Since we don't have a cure for CML with the current drugs, why should we torture ourselves to get to a lower level of remission.

Steven has not yet got to a 3-log reduction and his PCR results are not screaming downward to that valued PCRU as this mama would love, but he is still below zero and not wobbling too much at all. So these words are really comforting. Oh God, please let Steven not wobble with his PCR too much, let that disease not progress. Let him live a gooood loooooong life - waaaay beyond my days! please

I have even thoughts that maybe he just had a fungal infection..... there have been those diagnosed incorrectly like this. How does one even start to try and figure out if there was a mis-diagnosis, how do I NOT try to see if this was not the case? I know, I know - wishful thinking. But what if??

Am I hiding from it all? Where are my friggin bootstraps!!??

love and light

No comments: