Saturday, October 13, 2007

A hole in the rock

Its been an amazing couple of weeks so far - and so many thoughts twirl through my mind a lot of the time. Driving on endless straight roads do that to one - opens the mind to thoughts that are often blocked out or interrupted by the activities of 'normal' days.

The one that keeps on bouncing back into my mind is the thought that goes around that enormous, awesome rock at the Channel Islands National Park. It's this strong, non-moving rock, a part of history that has been there way before any of us and will be there long after us too. But in this rock is a hole. A hole that lets a bit of the beautiful scenery from beyond seep through to us. I photographed that rock and that hole many, many times, all the time with this idea forming in my mind.....

This is a solid rock. Its good. But there is a hole. Is this bad? No! Its good.... It does not take away from the awe of the full picture - actually it significantly added to it. It showed some beauty that we would not have seen otherwise. It made me look at not only the rock, but what was this side of it as well as beyond it. It also made me look deeper in my soul for a meaning to some things in life. Like cml in my kid.

Cml is the 'hole' in our lives, and it has opened up my life in an incredible way. Sometimes it feels selfish because my life has improved through this cancer in my son. No - its not something I would volunteer to happen, not something I would ask for or choose if I had the choice and I would happily have my life 'unimproved' if it meant none of my kids got cancer of any type. But now that its here - it's honestly introduced a deeper dimension to my life. It's made me grow up, made me see my kids, my life and life in general in a much more real way. I treasure the small things in every day much more than I did before. Yes, it also makes me more cynical, more afraid, more vulnerable and frankly, scares me to pieces at times - but the big picture is like that rock - it's more beautiful and remarkable with the hole than without it.
There are so many lessons in life I see all around in these awesome places we are visiting.... the long lonely roads always lead to somewhere -no matter how long they are, the storms always give way to the sunshine again and no day is ever guaranteed to be totally good with no glitch in it. This is life. No guarantees, just a muddling through as best we can and hopefully taking in as much of the wonders as we can along the way.
Ok - back to earth. Steven's next pcr test is due on Thursday this coming week and then that wait starts - another looong endless road. :-) But it will find its end too. Anyway, Steven has ordered the pcr kit from Oregon and will do the whole process without mama peering over his shoulder this time.
I am not ready to totally let go this process of taking care of the cml part of him, but realise the absolute importance of him knowing how to sort it out himself. I am not going to live forever like he is! It's probably good that we are away from home and this pcr due.
He will also have his next cbc results on Thursday and I am keen to hear that they are all exactly where they should be again. Wednesday is his birthday and I wish him totally excellent results, pcr and cbc.
Here's a big cyber hug for Kay and Diane, both mom's of cml-ers very recently out of transplant. You are so often in my thoughts.
Love and light

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What a great mom you are! I loved BOTH pictures of the man running with two false legs and the picture of you surprising your daughter. Both were gorgeous and brought a smile to my face. If you happen to make it up to Northern CA please email me as I as I would love to meet you.