Monday, July 23, 2007

The wait - again

Yes I am wobbling again. Yes this is scary - no matter that it is not urgent, that there are other meds to take care of the situation if Steven is losing response to Gleevec. His counts should be going down, not up. This is not how its supposed to work, dammit! I find myself becoming frilly - short of temper and patience and cml is taking a firm hold on the main part of my days. The three week wait has started again after Steven had his blood drawn again for the early PCR on Monday.

There are still times when I get angry, well not angry, but......... yes angry at this all. Sometimes it's a selfish feeling, one that revolves totally around my life and what worries I don't want in my life - but it always comes back to that young man with the incredible attitude. Always. And then I get angry some more. Why him. Why not him ....... and around and around I go.

So Frank bought me the latest Harry Potter book for me to dissappear into... I used to read only non-fiction stuff, but now I find that reading the "impossible and the untrue" empties my mind and I sleep much better. The debates and conversations dont happen in my mind when I read non-serious stuff.............

Sometimes I wish I was inside Steven's head so that I would KNOW how he is dealing with this. Above all, I don't want him to be scared, but I know that that's not something I can control and its a totally normal thing to worry. I know that the not nice things I have had to deal with in my life have made me stronger - but geez, none of them were as deep as cancer! Hopefully this will make this son of mine stronger too and one day he will look back on this time and breathe easy.

So the wait has started again. May it be easy on Steven and Laura and may the result be in the direction that we so desperately want it to be.

Love and light

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