Some days

Some days are like these last two. They are horrible. I was looking at photos of Steven when he was just a small little boy, and I could not help the tears and sadness. I read on the support board of a rare case of cml turning into aml and I listened to an aunt tell of her 24 year old nephew dying of aml. I flippin cry! I look at recent pictures of Steven and I find my eyes leaking. Its not always like this, most times I can convince the most active part of my brain that all is ok, but not these last two days, for some reason. It feels like all the glue is coming unstuck inside of me.

I know things are going well right now. Steven is doing well and feels good and everything but that is not the point. That is not what is going on inside me today.. As much as this is Steven's cancer, these feeling are mine and they are terrifying.

I don't want to read the support boards these days - I dont want the bad to relate to Steven at all, I don't even want the good - I just want it all gone! So? I am having a floppy fit........... It makes me really so sad. Everything in life is tainted with this cancer. Nothing untouched.

The other day I started reading this blog from the beginning- I could not do it. I realised that there is so much to process, so much that I was not even able to write about while it was happening. Many of those things come back to me now when talking to others with kids, family or friends with cancer. I think that if we had to think about how to cope, especially in the early days, it would be almost impossible. Looking back I can see that I worked on auto pilot for many many months. Actually, I started thinking again after we got back from the road trip in September. It was then that everything had quietened down. The excitement of meeting Penny and Debbie and the idea of another road trip as well as the initial scare had evened out, the organisation of the fundraiser, the wrapping of the rv and everything that went with that was over. Even setting up the PenniesforCancer.com website was done with - Penny passed on and everything became very real, awfully real. It became a new normal again. One that I have obviously not mastered yet.

Right now I feel like there is a very flimsy gate holding back another flood of tears. What is the matter with me? This is a year old already - why am I not getting used to it? Maybe I am, but it sure does not feel like it. What does Steven feel? How do I ask him without getting him to think about it all over again - but that is nuts, because it is part of him so he won't have to be reminded about it - its already there.

After just a few emails a few moments ago, I feel SO much more in control and ok. Debs is a treasure - a total treasure and its amazing how when I needed a hand holding/butt kicking to pull me out of this self imposed misery, she was right there - all across the continent, but right there! Just two emails later and I have a genuine smile on my face and in my soul - the first in way too long. I bet Frank is going to be relieved too! Thanks a million, Debs - you really are a treasure. :-)

So, on a much happier note, and feeling a bit like a wimp, I am going to hop into bed and enjoy the good thoughts, amazing people and happy moments in my life.

I am torn between writing only the happy stuff, the surface stuff, reporting the facts, but that would not be real. I started this blog to help me work out some of my feelings. The cancer is not mine, but these feelings are and this is my way to get them out so that I can deal with the whole situation in a much more controlled and mature way. I need to get those floppy fits out of me. This is my way. Some people might think that I am making Steven's cancer about me. I am not - although I wish I could take it from him. I have to acknowledge my feelings, all of them, in order to get on with my life and I think that it would be awful for Steven if he managed to get on with his life, but saw me not coping with it all. I cannot do that to him. So this is my way of staying strong for him too.

I know tomorrow will be better - today already is.
Love and Light and laughter.
Annie