Tuesday, November 07, 2006


Steven's bone marrow results came back - negative for leukemic cells! And his FISH test came back - negative - no sign of leukemia cells! And although I have not seen the results of his PCR test - the doctor says that that test came back negative too.......... So he maintains CCR - Complete Cytogenic Remission. This is wonderful news. Next PCR test we are going to insist on the quantitative test which will then give us more than just the positive or negative reading of this test - we need numbers but it does not look as if we will get it this time. He also went for his monthly blood test at the local clinic and all those readings were just fine! :-)

The results are wonderful, really wonderful and I just dont understand my 'inner quietness' about it, its not a peace I am feeling but rather the lack of the "yippppeeeeeee" this time. It's not as if I am not happy - of course I am. It's not as if I am not relieved or thankful or anything positive, it's just that that big thankful sigh is not there - it feels flat. Maybe its something to do with trying to get the PCR results in writing, or maybe I am just getting used to this ride - I wish! :-)

Steven and Laura were here yesterday and they both look gorgeous! It is wonderful seeing this young couple moving forward, of course they carry their worries but they are doing it with such strength and determination and smiles that it's a lesson in itself.

Penny's memorial service was last weekend and it does seem as if I am taking her passing very hard. She and Steven are kinda intertwined in so many ways - it's through Steven and his leukemia that I met her at first, the RoadrunnersUSA trip was in honor of both of them. And she was my friend. I miss her lots, and then some.

The weekend before, my eldest daughter got married - looking beautiful and making me instant "Granny Annie" to three beautiful little girls. They are a lovely young family! And my youngest daughter moved to California continuing her Marine career. And both Frank and I had flu.

So it has been a hectic and emotional few weeks for us all and maybe all this plays a part in the lower excitement level at Steven's results.

I have to say something about the support groups I read daily and know that I can go to any time I need some advice, calming or someone to talk to... When Steven's results come in, its never possible to get the doctor on the phone to clarify some of the terminology, so I type the questions to the Asian CML support group on the internet. There are often multiple replies of support and Anjana or Roy, and others too, will always come back with the information needed to stop my nailbiting. Debs is also there to help understand what I am going through while waiting for the answers. This support is totally priceless. Totally priceless. The support groups have a search feature where I can look for any other posts to read before posting my questions, and to learn the things I need to know about the results. Again, this support is priceless and I hope everyone that is going through difficult stuff, finds a group as wonderful as the ones I have found.

So one set of testing has passed, and the next one is already approaching. But we do have a good few weeks till the next CBC and months before the next PCR test. So we will all move on again until that climb in the 'worry factor' starts again.

I was just thinking about some of the roads we travelled while on our trips to Alaska and Canada and out west. Many roads were narrow, bumpy, no barriers, curvy with some reckless drivers thrown into the mix. This is life too. Sometimes it seems as if the roads in life are simply endless and not safe and rougher than we want with some really scary happenings along the way. But we got back from each of our long journeys safely - and we will get through the rough roads in life too.

Hiking up the Zion Narrow was also a lesson to think of. There we were clothed in only shorts and t-shirt, wading up a canyon at least knee deep in water much of the time, not knowing what was ahead of us around that next corner. Of course there were dangers there even though many others hiked that canyon. There were always warnings of flash floods, twisted ankles, serious falls etc etc., but that did not stop us either - we moved forward looking ahead to the next beautiful view, at the same time feeling the blisters in our feet and adjusting to freezing legs. This is the way life should be lived - looking ahead while dealing with what is happening in the 'now'.

If we sit still and miss out on life because of the pain, or potential pain, along the way - we will miss out on life. The words on Penny's blog read: "And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.....I hope you dance"

It's a learning curve, this dance, and not always easy at all - but we would lose out on so much if we did not at least try to do this much of the time.

And so we will dance again...............one step at a time.

Love and Light

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