Saturday, November 25, 2006

And now...just burbles...

Long time no write.......... Steven is doing really well. He looks better now that he is back on day shift and seems to be coping with college classes very well too.

Although everything is looking so good with this disease and its control, I am finding a big hole in my life. This life of mine was wonderful before the leukemia diagnosis, then it was filled with the scary stuff, the terrifying stuff, the wonderful meeting of amazing people, the travel and more people. So much excitement, so many ups. And now its all evened out again. There is a very deep hole left by Penny, I still talk to her and its strange how, at times, I even expect emails from her! lol. But the big 'high' of all the excitement created has gone and its left me scrabbling at times for a handhold on the good stuff that is all around.

This sounds so selfish. I am really glad that things have calmed down but am struggling to find this new normal, struggling to balance the good and bad of cancer - and there is definately good that has come from this. I will not ever go as far as saying that I am glad Steven has leukemia, but I will definately say that I have been tremendously fortunate in the good that has happened to me since his diagnosis.

The shop is very busy and everyone and their neighbor has a sick computer that needs to be fixed - this is wonderful and keeps us very busy most days........ I have also printed out hundreds of photographs and then are all stapled on the wall all over the shop. The photos from the past trips are now going into albums - into retirement, and these new ones will keep us going for a while again. just a while.

Steven is due for another blood test this coming weekend - end of the month and a doctors visit with PCR in early January. But first comes Christmas. My wish this year is that we can all look at this as Christmas and not 'the first Christmas' with leukemia. There are so many "firsts" with this disease in our lives and we are tremendously fortunate that we have this without the "lasts" that go along so many times when cancer is around. It's all back to front with cancer. First you get 'the last birthday/Christmas/Easter/Halloween/etc", then you get to do "the first birthday/Christmas/Easter/Halloween/ect" without them. It's all's all wrong.

Thanksgiving has just passed and it was incredible to think about how much I have to be thankful for........ just a short year ago, I would never have dreamed that I could be so fortunate and have so many thanks to give. This is not despite the cancer, its really because of Steven's leukemia. I am especially thankful that the circumstances allow us all to breathe easier now and that Steven is reacting so well to the Gleevec.

I especially love a quote I picked up from someone on my favorite support board - the Asian CML Group - "the point of power is always in the present moment."

Not in the past. Not in the future. NOW! Thats all we can do - deal with this moment, be strong in this moment and love the very best for this moment. The rest will simply have to take care of itself until I get there..........

Love and Light

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