Sunday, October 15, 2006

question thoughts ......

This cml journey has had me meet so many wonderful people, learn so much and has put me on a learning, feeling and thinking curve that I could never have imagined. I now read books that I bypassed with a certain smugness, thinking that the worries in my life were over. I had a bad previous marraige and pompously thought that these years ahead were mine to love, relax and enjoy, to breathe deeply and watch how the children healed and grew into strong young adults while gently enjoying many good years. Well. That has happened. The 'kids' are all strong young adults now - one is about to become a mama soon, the other is a US Marine and the third in college and dealing with cancer in an incredible manner and Frank and I have seen so many awesome views of this continent and met many truely wonderful people - these last few years have really been great.

But my mind won't shut up and be peaceful and I find myself wobbling around these days, not quite knowing where I fit in anymore -not with the kids, but with life and all those in it with me. I have had so many hello's and goodbyes in the last few months, so many times that I have been terrified and so many days with tears and sometimes serious internal wobbles, that at times I cannot relate to people around me. Maybe its like traveling, once that has happened, it changes something inside that makes you different in a way that would never have happened otherwise. Some things have become way less important and other things way more important than ever before. I find myself totallly un-competitive, un-freaky about the small things in life and at times way too intense about others.

One subject that I am seriously stuck on is one that really is a pointless discussion - even if it happens only in my head. Is it better to have warning of ones death as in having cancer with a time left before leaving, or to die fast in an accident or unexpected incident?

Taking time to die does not seem to be the right way anymore. Once upon a time when more illusions lived in my head, I thought that this would be wonderful - finish all the things one wants and needs to, make right the wrongs, say hello and goodbye and then leave. Nice, easy and clean. That's not how it works! Things get sorted out and then more happen and need to be set right or sorted out. New plans are made so more things need to be done, new dreams appear, new horizons, new ideas, meetings, new hopes and more hello's, more goodbyes. Then you start things - how can you not? And they don't get finished. More goodbyes. Again. And the days go by. With every day comes a goodbye. Again. Then you know that there just is no way that some of the things you started after finishing the things you needed to, will now get finished. Damn. So there are now, once again, unfinished things left and now those need to be sorted out and finished. Again. Penny once mentioned that it was impossible to live today without thinking about or planning for tomorrow. Try it. I did and failed miserably in a matter of minutes....

Another day, another goodbye. People can only say goodbye so many times without falling apart, before becoming numb, hurting so much that they stop feeling or stop functioning in a way they could before. The pain shifts from the dying to those left living if this is called living. The hospital sorts out the pain of the person dying - those left behind carry a pain they never knew existed. And yet again, you have to go back again to see your loved one one last time. Another goodbye. Except that that was not the last time. Tomorrow is another day. Another day filled with pain, another visit. Another day filled with yet another goodbye. How many? As many as it takes. Too many and too few.

And everyone waits, dreading phone calls, dreading emails. Waiting and knowing that one day there will be no chance of another goodbye, no matter how painful those goodbyes are. Soon. But when? Hearts ache, guts churn, tears fall and then they stop - there are no more........ And still the dying does not happen. But another visit does, another wish, another message, another goodbye. And the tears start up again. How do you pray for someone to leave when you know it will hurt you so much when they do?

And when the end arrives, are we ready? No. We are just as hurt and devastated as we would be had it happened suddenly and we have to deal with a whole set of feelings that we never knew existed. Shocked and just as empty. How can this be the 'better way to go'? It's more like and endless agony........ But, please God, don't take someone I love without giving us the chance to say goodbye!

I guess that having cancer in a family or friend circle, starts these conversations in the does in mine. The sadness runs so deep at times, but they say with sadness comes growth. I know I have changed, changed in ways I don't yet understand. At times I try to hang on to who I was before March this year, before cancer moved into our lives and at other times I fully welcome the changes, but mostly its still a challenge to keep my mind quiet, to 'just be' and to accept what simply is. Sometimes not coping is a way of coping too. Not a good long term solution - but good enough for a day or three every now and again.

I read somewhere one day that 'normal' is just a setting on a vacuum cleaner - now we are looking for that new vacuum cleaner to find the 'new normal' button! :-)

And we are waiting for the results of Steven's bmb - I cannot believe it has already been a week since he had that done! One week closer to seeing with our own eyes those good, wonderful and very looked-forward-to results...............

Penny - you know................

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