Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Always lurking.........

Maybe it's because of the stuff in my last blog, maybe it's because its nearly PCR time again or maybe its just me being a worry-wart mom........ but my antennae are up and vibrating again.  Steven has his PCR blood draw on Thursday and then its that long interminable wait - again.

On Saturday he casually mentioned that he had been losing weight - around 5 pounds this month..... this was after I noticed his wedding ring was really loose...  Losing weight?  Why??  Spleen? sick? What!?!?  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh.  How I hate when this happens.  So I really want to jump all over him and ask why and what and when and how come he can lose that weight and I cant!  I want to make light of it, I want to believe that its just the normal up and down of weight in a very normal way.... and it probably is.

But I am sooooooo tired of 'probably'!!

I have noticed that there are many days that I don't even think of cml now, that life has sort of absorbed cml into the big picture on many levels.  Its not that I am ignoring it - that would be like ignoring the air we breathe..... It just is.  But then come times like this past week where everything piles back into my brain again and, well, its just plain uncomfortable and it effects my days in ways I don't like.

So here is my dilemma/question...... I believe that if something is bothering Steven about his CML, I believe that he will talk to me about it.  So when I feel like I did when he told me about the weight loss, do I then immediately think of cml and ask the questions? or do I assume that its just normal fluctuations and let it go or make light of it?  If I ask all the questions, maybe that comes across as too much of a worry mom and if I don't maybe I come across as if I have moved past it all and am not as tuned in as I should be.  Big Sigh.

I know that we are so incredibly fortunate on so many levels, I know that some people will not even understand why I worry like I do sometimes as "all is ok" and "its all under control", but I do!  Yes, Steven's cml is under control and he is in a safe place with it..... yes his blood counts are all looking fine and yes it seems crazy to worry.  But this is life and this is me and its flippen PCR time again and my nails are already short....

CML is always lurking like a shadow in my heart and mind - always capable of turning a day, a week or my life upside down.  Soon these next results will be in and my nails can grow again and life will feel less tenuous again and it will be warmer too and.......... and.......and.

Today I am a bit sad.  Sad that Steven and Laura are dealing with cml as well as starting out in life.  I know that many others have much deeper things to deal with, but this is their story and I am sad that they have this as well.  Just because this is by far not the worst case scenario does not mean that its not big in all our lives and sometimes I feel almost guilty for taking this so deeply when so many others have the loss of their kids to deal with.

I just want so badly for everything to be good....... damn pcr time..  This will pass too.

love and light
Annie

5 comments:

Chuck said...

Annie,
No matter how hard you try, worrying about your child is normal. It is something a good parent just can't help but doing. When I was diagnosed I had to tell my daughter over the phone, which was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. To hear the fear in your child's voice is something that I will never forget.
I have been PCRU for over 3 years now and I still get extremely anxious waiting for the results. It is something that just sits in the back of my mind no matter what I am doing, it always is there. So try not to stress out about stressing out. Everything will come out fine and you once again will be your cheerful self.
Chuck

Annie - Steven's mom said...

Thank you Chuck!
I am glad that you have been PCRU for so long now - may it keep on like this :)
love and light
Annie

hockeychic said...

Hugs to you Annie. I can only imagine how hard this has to be. Knowing that CML is always lurking there in the background.

Sending you lots of support and love.

Rodrigo said...

Hi Annie !

See this article ...
http://www.cmlsource.ca/survival.php?lang=1

Its great News about IRIS study Imatinib.

Best Regards.
Ciro

Barbara (UK) said...

Annie, Mums never stop worrying about their offspring do they. It's what Mums do. I so admire and respect you for the way in which you deal with all of this. I understand how it must always be there at the back of your mind...Sending you much love and warm hugs across the miles and hope it helps in some small way to know you're close in thought xxx