Tuesday, January 19, 2010
On Saturday he casually mentioned that he had been losing weight - around 5 pounds this month..... this was after I noticed his wedding ring was really loose... Losing weight? Why?? Spleen? sick? What!?!? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh. How I hate when this happens. So I really want to jump all over him and ask why and what and when and how come he can lose that weight and I cant! I want to make light of it, I want to believe that its just the normal up and down of weight in a very normal way.... and it probably is.
But I am sooooooo tired of 'probably'!!
I have noticed that there are many days that I don't even think of cml now, that life has sort of absorbed cml into the big picture on many levels. Its not that I am ignoring it - that would be like ignoring the air we breathe..... It just is. But then come times like this past week where everything piles back into my brain again and, well, its just plain uncomfortable and it effects my days in ways I don't like.
So here is my dilemma/question...... I believe that if something is bothering Steven about his CML, I believe that he will talk to me about it. So when I feel like I did when he told me about the weight loss, do I then immediately think of cml and ask the questions? or do I assume that its just normal fluctuations and let it go or make light of it? If I ask all the questions, maybe that comes across as too much of a worry mom and if I don't maybe I come across as if I have moved past it all and am not as tuned in as I should be. Big Sigh.
I know that we are so incredibly fortunate on so many levels, I know that some people will not even understand why I worry like I do sometimes as "all is ok" and "its all under control", but I do! Yes, Steven's cml is under control and he is in a safe place with it..... yes his blood counts are all looking fine and yes it seems crazy to worry. But this is life and this is me and its flippen PCR time again and my nails are already short....
CML is always lurking like a shadow in my heart and mind - always capable of turning a day, a week or my life upside down. Soon these next results will be in and my nails can grow again and life will feel less tenuous again and it will be warmer too and.......... and.......and.
Today I am a bit sad. Sad that Steven and Laura are dealing with cml as well as starting out in life. I know that many others have much deeper things to deal with, but this is their story and I am sad that they have this as well. Just because this is by far not the worst case scenario does not mean that its not big in all our lives and sometimes I feel almost guilty for taking this so deeply when so many others have the loss of their kids to deal with.
I just want so badly for everything to be good....... damn pcr time.. This will pass too.
love and light