Saturday, July 04, 2009
Mostly I am pushing the barrow, but sometimes I am the one inside....
These past two weeks I have found many things to write about. Sometimes I want to rant and rave against all sorts of cancer and it literally hurts to read about the battles some people are going through, just fighting like hell to stay alive and have some quality of life. Two that come to mind immediately are Michelle and Nick..... Here are two young people who are good people, well liked and much loved, doing good things in their lives and whamo......nothing will ever be the same again. Ever. No matter what. So much is stripped not only from them but from their families and friends. I know it hits everyone really hard when someone is fighting like this for their lives, but I find myself identifying with the mom's of those with the cancer and I want to kick and scream against the unfairness of it all.
There is absolutely no way that I can begin to feel or imagine what the mom's are going through, but I have to admit that at times just thinking about it squeezes my heart and soul and makes my eyes leak. Most times I don't allow it to become too 'real' for me because that just opens a door that I have no need to go into. A lovely lady, Lottie, once said to me that worry is like a rocking chair - it goes nowhere. Well, I do my best to stay out of that rocking chair, allowing only short visits and making sure I don't get too comfortable there.
About two years ago, I spent the night staring out of our kitchen window, looking at the crowds gathered at the funeral home just up the road, and then watching as they left again. There lay a young man who was killed while in the Service in Afghanistan. Someone had told me that his mom would not leave him there alone, so she stayed with him all night long. I don't know why it got to me so deeply, but I stood there much of that night hurting for her so badly. I made the mistake of almost trying to take on her pain, trying to feel what she was feeling and trying to make sense of it all. I was scared that I would be in her shoes one day way too soon. I know now that that is not my place and not a wise or smart thing to do. There is no need for me to spend time in that rocking chair, but others do - and I really hate that.
Almost all the time I can, and do, see the positive side of things, especially after a day of having Steven work with us in the shop. He is so easy to work with, full of life, jokes and fun and learning so well. And CML really does not feature in those days any more. Sure there are small moments, and mostly those are thankful moments, not one of worry or scared-ness.
I think that what I am trying to say is that there are multiple ups and downs in each and every day, the downs are few and far between. Sometimes it just does not seem to make sense to write all about them without it all seeming totally crazy.
Sometimes I see a photograph that I have taken that helps me describe what I mean.....and this wheelbarrow does it. Mostly I push that barrow that is life, I have the control over my feelings and thoughts. But a few times here and there, I am the one parked off inside letting life and all the things in it push me around. But only very short times these days.
I am so incredibly grateful. And I wish I had a magic wand for all those mom's that don't have the peace that I have.
Love and light