Who's in charge?

Doing good! No frillies yet............... actually it's been weird in a way in that I have not even had cml in the forefront of my mind this past week. It's always in the back of my mind, aways will be, but the wait for the results this time has been different. And I think its for a number of reasons.

I have heard it many times before but finally these words sunk in properly - or so it seems. "We will always be waiting for test results." A number of people in the shop this week have asked after Steven and what a pleasure to be able to say that he is doing well. They want to know when the next test is and each time I have said that we are waiting for results, and always will be. When one result comes in, we immediately start waiting for the next....... Well, if we are always waiting for a result, am I then going to spend my days worried? Am I going to lose out on today because of what tomorrow might bring? Steven does not......I was going to finish that sentence with "so why should I?" but I know why I do and I know why I cannot change that. I am a mom, I will worry more than necessary, more often than needed and on a different level than he will. But I have to put it in perspective, I have to see that this young man gets on with life, planning for the future, trusting in the future and simply moving on with life each day. Now why should I also not do that? I can add a touch of worry in there......wanted or not, it's there......but today I believe that I can do so much better, not only for me, but for Steven and everyone around me if I put the good above the bad, the calm above the worry.

Today, while working in the garden - yes! I did - for the first time I spent most of a day in a brand new pair of pink garden gloves, scrubbing around in the garden and having a total blast! I planted seeds, transplanted newly sprouted vegetables and sewed seeds - generally having so much fun and giving me much thinking time. One of the questions that came to me was 'to whom do we give control of our lives - who is in charge?' I don't mean this on a religeous level, rather on a very human one. I read a good many blogs about others with different cancers and diseases that are crippling their ability to live good and healthy lives - some temporary and some permanent and yet others who don't know which one will be them yet. And I wonder at their humor, their strength and ability to laugh, smile and inspire others. From the very young Bianca to many others in their 60's - all these people have a sense of humor well intact. How does someone with cancer do this? Is it because they realise how precious life is? It is because a self preservation part of them brings out what they need in themselves? Whatever it is, its wonderful.

And also - how many of us have, at some time or another, put our lives in the hands of someone else. As long as this person thinks well of me, loves me, likes me, accepts me, or maybe just waves at me - then the world is right - there is hope and reason to keep going. If their feeling stop or change, for whatever reason, whether they can help it or not - then that somehow takes away all reason for living. What a tremendous responsibility to put on a human being... and how is it ok to give all our strength and ability to someone that wants to move on or away? Why is it so easy to give away our days to others and to circumstances and to hang on to the negatives and the worries? Is it easier to give it up than to take care of ourselves and our actions and thoughts and feelings? I know it seems that way when the going is tough - but ultimately its always happier when we take charge of ourselves as we should. Easy to say...so easy to say at times.

So this brings me back to the question of whether I will be ok if Steven's test results are not. I have to be. There is no option if I am totally honest. The only option is how I will deal with it. Will I take responsibility for my feelings and fears or will I park all that on 'the bad test result' and let the good part of life get buried under the bad? Well, for today, I don't need to deal with this question and I hope I never do, but if I ever do have to - I hope I can find this entry again and read it to myself. Or at least have someone quote me!

No result, no loss can change deep inside me what I am unless I allow it to do so. Today the sun shone, the temperature was perfect, a gentle breeze blew around cooling us off in the midday sun and no amount of good or bad results would have changed the fact of any of this. Only the feelings that I let happen.

Are our feelings a concious choice? Maybe. I know that if I go into this pcr waiting time with worry - I bite my nails, I become tetchy and just generally not an easy person to be around. If I go into it with a smile, hope and a knowledge that I will deal with it, no matter what - I find myself smiling more often and even enjoying gardening! wow. Talk about control!

There are times when I do feel that worry creep in, and sometimes even that gut churning worry - but then I remind myself that it is what it is. Nothing I feel, do or think will change anything exept how I feel, think and look. No amount of wishing or hoping will change those results or the course of this disease in Steven. I have to accept what will be. Maybe some of these thoughts have been brewing for a while, and they sure have helped. Go and look at the smile on this little girls face http://whitesinnz.blogspot.com/ - it sure makes me smile and makes me humble too whenever I see it , which I do often.. Hi Bianca!

There are so many people out there who just don't know what a difference they make in my day - just having someone share their story, even if its not exactly the same as Steven's, helps. It builds my courage to read about mom's going through really rough times as well as others battling cancer themselves - I have it way easy by comparison to the many mom's out there, let alone the kids dealing with cancers.

So - who's in charge? Today, I am in charge of me! May it be so tomorrow and the next too......and I wish this for you too

love and light
Annie