Tuesday, April 29, 2008

waiting, waiting, waiting....

Still waiting for those pcr results. But this time it's by choice........ I am not going to call for those results. Not this time. When Steven stopped by for a visit over the weekend, I asked him if he wanted me to go with him to his appointment on Thursday. His response was that I was very welcome to go with him, but that he felt fine and that the doctor would probably just tell him that anyway. So I decided to take another step backwards and let him handle it himself. I also suggested him that I would not call for the pcr this time - he could get it when he goes to the oncologist on Thursday afternoon. And he will bring me the results on his way home.

He was so positive, so relaxed, so assured that if I had said I would go along, I felt that I would be undermining some of this confidence. It's not my disease and if he is comfortable in dealing with it - then I have to let him get on with it (thanks Kay :-))and not always be inbetween him and the cml - or at least try to put myself there. I so want to cushion any bad news, protect him from whatever I can - but in reality and in fairness, I should not. Not only can not, but I should not.

So the longest 4 days started as I gulped on the words that I would leave this up to him. It's the final days of waiting that are the worst. I know - I have been over this, and over and over it again....... but it's there. Only this time it's been much easier. I am not sure why. Maybe I have been busy with other stuff, maybe I have been focussed on others going through a rougher times or maybe I have just been having too much fun playing with photos again.

It's not that I don't think Steven is capable of dealing with all this on his own, I know he can and will. It's not about his ability to deal with it at all - it's about my ability to step back and let it be. I have to keep up this absolute belief and trust and knowledge that he will be fine, no matter what. It is easy these days when I see that smile, that spark in his eyes and the sense of mischief and his plans for the future and his strength and trust. I have to know that we have the strength to deal with whatever comes our way - so many others do, why not us?

When I talk to my girls, I can process that they have good and bad days, that this is the normal way of life and I don't worry about them unduly. Heck - *I* have good and bad days, days that I sound, feel and look like something the dog dragged in, but in the big picture I am great. But with Steven...... well, I am still learning to do that again. Even when he is tired in a very normal way, when he is aggravated or frustrated, my antennae go up and I find myself in an emotional holding pattern until the next time he sounds great. Just a short conversation can make or break my peace of mind.... That is so silly because, like everyone else, at times he is just busy, preoccupied or just plain being human! He has never been one to moan and groan about feeling ill, so why would I automatically think that if he sounds ok, that he is ok, or vice versa? I did not pick up how he was feeling before diagnosis, why would one day of being tired now give me a reason to worry? hmmm

Wow - where did that all come from? I had not conciously thought about that and it all came burbling out of my fingers - it must have been playing around my mind enough to have made this appearance. Always better out and now I can look at it openly and learn to adjust these feelings too.

It still amazes me just how different today is than two years ago. That seems like yesterday and yet a lifetime ago. So many good things are going on in all our lives and the bleakness has moved away - we are so fortunate.

So - Thursday evening is The Big Day this quarter... more then.

Love and light

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