Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Safe mode

I have felt different for a good while now, not quite understanding what it is I am going through, nor understanding why. But I think it goes like this - I was in 'safe mode', as Lottie put it. I found myself staying away from the support boards, not responding to emails as promptly as I should and even forgetting to answer some! Thats just not me...... answering an email was like a ringing telephone - it's an automatic response to answer it! But the nights would go by, the clock ticking onward and my brain telling me to do something - anything. But no, I sat and let it all go by. For weeks.

Safe mode on a computer is a way to start it up without having all the programs engage or running - its a minimally functional status which enables me to get in and fix many problems in a computer. The machine runs, but only just. And as I am typing this, I see even more how I have been in that safe mode myself. I realise now that during this time, I have dug down deep, sorted through thoughts and worries, thrown out what I don't want around and secured those that I do. Something resarted me in 'normal mode' again and its wonderful. That something is a combination of many things coming from many people.

No, its not all roses and sunshine, especially if I venture outside with the near freezing temperatures early in the morning........ but its much better now. Just about a week ago I was thinking that I was in such a good place. I talk to a good few people online and all is going well with them, no drama's are happening, no bad tests, nothing in-my-face scary -well, apart from Lea's transplant and she is doing great by the looks of it! GO GIRL! Anyway, there I was, thinking that I am all comfortable and happy with my lot, that I don't really want to go the extra mile and that I can stay away from the support boards very happily. I could, and did, ignore cml, I pushed to the back of my mind the fact that we need to look at a differet doctor, yet again and shoved to the rear the fact that the next pcr is coming up again.... If I just ignored it all long enough - it would surely go away. Not! I did not want to read about someone struggling with a new diagnosis, a complication or someone dying from cml. I did not want to hear it, I did not want to know it, so I stayed away and missed out. Big time.

Maybe the break was good for me. I actually had a day or three when I did not associate cml with Steven. I could read Lea's updates, others blogs and not feel that squeezing heart in my chest, that fear. I simply cut the cord between cml and Steven. Laughing - it was good for a while :-)

Cml is still here though, and with it being here in my son who, by the way, looks wonderful and is looking forward to a week's leave over Christmas and New Year, are all the wonderful people that helped me along the first 18 months of this cml road. And new contacts helped me realise that I really cannot ignore everything I have learned nor can I ignore who I am now. A different me from two years ago. The me I am now is a part of this big group of people who are dealing with cml in some way or another. And with this group around me, cml is not all bad. Not for me, anyway. Obviously I am not speaking on Steven's behalf.

So, I am back again. I think. I am aware that I do have something to offer, and that I cannot stay in 'safe mode' and be of any help to anyone, or to me by staying there. It was not a good place for a long term visit at all.

I have no doubt that I will start up in Safe Mode again sometime, but I left a memo there for myself, reminding me not to stay too long again. :-)

In the big picture, I only have everything to be grateful for. Everything. Wonderful kids, husband, family friends and cyberfriends........... I am truely rich on a level I could never before have imagined.

So with these thoughts and very sincere and happy wishes to all the wonderful people in my life, we go into Christmas and scream towards another new year. What happened? It was 1978 just yesterday....... and oh, by the way - my mom keeps sneaking in and leaving her gray hairs on my shoulders! :-)

Here's wishing you all a wonder-filled Christmas and may 2008 be filled with love and laughter, health and happiness.

love and light and a really big thank you for all your support.

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