Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The PCR Wait

(.......... and, of course, "the weight" - but we won't go into that issue! :-) )

So today I could not wait any longer and I called the doctors office. Steven's PCR results will be back by Friday midday. As a friend says: "We can wait that long!" Yup, just a few more days and we will know just how wonderfully Steven's blood, chromosomes and marrow are doing. How's THAT for absolootle positive thinking?!

I know that I am not alone in this fight against cancer in my child and that it tremendously comforting, especially late at night and when waiting for those results. Yes, Linda, that fear and sadness creeps in. No matter how I lecture myself, it slips through that human crack in my armor. I think the sadness is deeper than the fear - it's a sadness because there IS a fear. More fear than I thought possible. I have been successful in moving forward, not focusing totally on cml and even some days not having that combination of letters in my brain, not in the forefront anyway, not often, but it has definately happened. I think it would be unrealistic to think that this is something that will ever be far from my mind at all and I do think it's important to keep looking for a way to empower me against it - for something to fight it and my fears in a positive way. And maybe by doing this, I will pass on some power and strength to Steven in his fight against this cancer.

If there was something I could wish for - I think I would wish that I could know Steven's thoughts on cml in his life - his deep thoughts. I am sure they also change regularly and that fear does creep into both his and Laura's minds as they do mine. But I wish I knew how he is dealing with this without the 'mama protection' he naturally does. I know that at times I gloss over the heavy stuff to save face, to keep things on an even keel and to save the person I am talking to the anguish my un-edited feelings would no doubt cause. Maybe I don't really want to know his feelings. But I do. I think.

Time for sleep.
As Jerry says: Never give up!

Love and Light

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