Letting go those cords of fear.......

Last week I went with Steven for his Oncologist visit. His CBC came back as close to normal as a mama could wish for and blood was taken for the quantitative PCR test. Now the wait has started again.

But this time its different. Steven looks wonderful, he is particularly happy today because he just came back from picking up his new 2003 Nissan 350z. He has the 240z, the 280z and now the 350z - silver, black and this one a beautiful kind of burnt orange. Anyway - he is happy, looks wonderful, is getting on with his life, bloods are great, attitude amazing and its time.......

Time for me to let go those "cords of fear", not let them out of sight by any means, but let them go long enough and well enough to live again. Someone wrote me a simply awesome email and pointed out that worrying about quarterly blood results is simply crazy - we could be dead in the next quarter minute! They said that they would rather be weird (and this was in a good weird way!) than live like I do. I have been living in fear, focusing myself around Steven's cml, actually using that not to do other stuff. A reason, or excuse, if you want, not to function on a level that I know I am capable of.

I thought I was in a good place before, but now I have a real clear purpose. I want to do something positive, I need to strengthen myself for me and then if I need to be strong again one day, I will be better prepared. But mostly this is for me. I want to do 'something' with my photography and writing. Something that will enable me to follow my passion and make a real difference in life too.

Photography has been my passion since a young teen and the writing part just happened over the last long trips we have made. I will put together a book on this last journey we made to Alaska, carrying so many along with us, and at the same time will try to do something every day that will take me closer to what I believe I can be.

This is part of finding the new normal in life. To find the new normal, I have had to realise that it's ok to live again, to let go the hold I have on cml, to want to do something for myself and to want to let go that stress of constant cml focus. It's ok. It's acceptable. It's good. It's going to happen.

10 months - thats all its been. A looong lifetime since Steven's diagnosis. So much has changed in all of us. So many lessons learned, so many strengths and weaknesses discovered and yet, despite, and because of cml, we are all better people. Through the people I have met and the many, many that have supported us through the support boards and emails and in other ways, I have learned that we are indeed really, really fortunate.

When we first heard of Steven's cancer, we had to do something to try to fix it, thats how the Alaska trip happened. Now I have to show him and my girls that its ok to move forward together with cml but to focus on the good things in life, to focus on me again with a really beady eye on Steven and the cml. There is no doubt in my mind that one way or another we all face some type of trauma or hardship or pain in our lives - I can be an example to them and show them that its ok not to drown in it all at the expense of myself and my life.

A couple of weeks ago I read a short sentence that started this wheel turning.... "Cml is almost a chronic disease - take a pill a day - check every three months that everything is ok." Wow. This struck a chord. It tumbled around my brain for a good few days bringing a good feeling along with it, and then Debs called me and I shared it with her. I could literally hear it strike a chord in her too! She "got it" like no one without a child with cml could. Just hearing that she 'got it' made it real for me too - that started that wheel spinning in my mind - starting to open that door that would allow me to look at my life again. And then that email arrived and the doors and windows were all flung open.

I feel lighter. Thanks y'all! :-)

It's been a good past few days here - really good.

Love and Light
Annie
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