Friday, August 14, 2009

Goodbye Nick......

I am so sad today - Nick passed away yesterday. His mom, Diane, writes a beautiful but heart rending blog that so many times has made me laugh and cry at the same time. Today it was just tears as I read her words from late last night. Nick is finally free. But his death has obviously left a devastating path...

I cannot begin to even imagine the pain they are all going through and will be going through for a very long time. Just thinking about thinking about that makes me want to bawl all over again.

Diane, I am so incredibly sorry that you no longer have Nick where you can reach out and hold him, talk to him and see his smile and hear his voice. I am so sorry that you have this horrendous pain to deal with. I am so sorry that there is not a single thing anyone can do or say that will help make your pain go away or become less. There is no other mom that is going through exactly what you are going through right now and that must be an awfully lonely place in so many ways.  There are so many of us who have been touched by your words and your battle and of course, Nick, that are holding you and your shattered heart in our hearts.

My deepest sympathies go to you and your family and to Kate.

So many things go through my mind when I hear sad news like today. Although Nick was leukemia free when he died, it is still because of the disease that he died..... and that makes me angry, sad and very very scared. I do know that each and every one of us is going to die and I know that it can happen for many different reasons and at any age, but - well, I don't like the fact that my eldest child has an elevated chance of it happening sooner because of this disease. This is also not quite accurate anymore what with Gleevec and the other meds and advances in treating cml....... but that does not really help much on days like this. 

There is a program on tv now with Niel Diamond and all his lovely old songs and it takes me back, waaaaay back, to days where everything was so simple, nothing could hurt us, we were invincible and well stuff like cancer just did not feature in our lives.  Oh how I miss those days on a day like today.

And earlier on this morning I went to see my doc (something really minor) and as I walked up to the building doors, I realized that I was only one arms length away from Steven's doctor - and his results!!  My heart actually skipped a beat.  Oh boy, you should have heard the high speed conversations - both sides - that went on in my head in a matter of seconds!  But, I walked past with only one small stumble... and a whole lot more temptation than I had been handed in many years.  When I came out again I knew that I had better be distracted or the temptation might just get too much, so I called my sister - thanks Katie!  And again I walked past that door less than 6 feet away.  

I have to leave this to Steven.  I have to.  I do have permission to get his results, but that would be undermining him, especially if I had got those results without asking him specifically.  And tomorrow he will be working with us again all day long..

I am SO incredibly fortunate.  Tears running down my face again for Nick and his family and I am worried about being able to control myself while I have my son all day long!?  It's difficult to try to understand why I am so broken up about someone I never met, but its real, its scary and I feel so much for his mom without even coming close to understanding her pain.

I think today's world has very little to do with understanding much of anything.... I think it's more and more about just living with every fiber that one has for as long as we can and then to just believe that there is something more afterwards....  Trying to understand seems to bring about more questions, more sadness and more unknowns and definitely does nothing for peace of mind at all.

Nick, may you dance in the freedom from pain and hospital rooms, may you see everything you still want to see and may you know how much you were and are loved by so many..... You are definitely missed, even by someone who never knew you.

A special dose of love and light to Nick's family and friends - and especially Diane.



hockeychic said...

A beautiful post as always. The story of Nick is so heartbreaking.

You are really amazing how you are being about Steven's results. I know I wouldn't be able to be as strong as you are.

Beautiful picture you put up for Nick. Based on what I have read, he would have loved that.

bigD said...

Dear Annie,
Thank you for such a beautiful and heartfelt post. Words cannot express how much your love and support have meant to me. I am so sorry that you have to take this ride with us, knowing the fear it must create for your own situation with your son. The reality of this disease can be daunting, but, there are many who make it through. Nickolas & I never gave up hope that he would be one of those people. The pain and regret I feel right now is overwhelming, but, I take joy in knowing that others like Steven will beat back this ugly beast and live full and happy lives. I know there are lessons to be learned from our loss off Nickolas, but, right now I just can't see them. I pray that my son will guide and protect all of us as we negotiate this path of grief and sadness. Thank you again Annie. As always, your words hit straight to the heart of the matter and the picture made me smile. I know Nick would smile too. Many blessings Annie, I will keep all of you in my prayers. And once again, the kindness of strangers gives me hope for this world even still.