Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Pretty normal....

Over that past few days and even weeks, I have noticed that life has smoothed out.  It surprises even me to think that we are now well into the PCR result waiting period and it hardly crosses my mind!  I never ever thought this was possible.  I know - give me another week or so of waiting and the wobbles will start again - but they are so much smaller and less intense than they have ever been. 

I  sit here today with relatively no worries re Steven's cml at all.  Not that I don't worry, it's just that it is much more in perspective these days.  When I talk to him on the phone I cannot help but do that 'robo-scan' thing, and at times when he sounds tired to me, I have to remind myself that above all, high above everything, this child of mine is normal.  He has normal stresses, normal late nights, normal long working hours and has the normal right to be tired, behave accordingly and need extra rest.  

So I am now in a training period of my life - I try to look at all of this in a clearer way.  There is nothing I can do, no amount of worrying or biting nails will change anything at all.  I keep up with what is going on in the cml world of progress, the new meds and things, but from a personal stand point - I just have to let it go the best I can.  And it's easy right now.

Steven is doing well on all fronts and he and Laura will be here again for dinner tomorrow night which will further put my mind at peace.  Oh I just KNOW that I am going to make a fool of myself at their wedding with my tears!  The camera has a full warranty so at least I don't need to worry about soaking that. :)   

Yes, in many ways Steven getting married brings stronger emotions than what I had when my girls each got married.  Unfortunately I was not able to let my worry and sadness and scareds go long enough to get fully emotionally involved with either their big days.  Lisa's wedding was within the first six months of the diagnosis.  It was held locally and Steven was there too - I remember looking at them standing together and just wanting to sit down and cry - thank goodness I could put the camera between me and facing it all right then.  

Of course I was happy for both Joleen and Lisa, excited and pleased that they had found their someone special, but I know I was not this deeply emotional about it - I did not know how to divide my mind at that time.  They are both special and very understanding young ladies and understand where I was back then.

It's going to be totally thrilling having all three of them together this time.....oh those photos that will be born!

And so I see that my mind wanders further and further from cml and onto the big and small things in life that keep life rolling on regardless of cml.  Is this the new normal?  I like it.

love and light
ps.  The gull just looked so happy, bright, expectant of good things and as if it is dancing on the currents of the wind.......

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