Sunday, April 12, 2009

Inconvenient emotion

Oh, there is SO much good, so much happiness and so much to be thankful for.  Laura's wedding shower, a friend of my daughters wedding, Steven and Laura's new house, good pcr results, good cbc results, summer arriving, fruit trees blooming and on and on - beautifully so.  So why do I end up on my haunches in the middle of the card isle of Walmart creating puddles on the floor with my tears?

I went there with a happy purpose - two of them - to pick out a wedding shower card for Laura and a wedding card for a being sad was the furtherest things from my mind.  These days have been good on all levels and especially seeing so many wonderful things going on in Steven's life.  And then I found just the right the card for Laura - it said just what I wanted it to.  And while I was reading it again for the second time with a smile in my heart and on my face, its wording reduced me, with no warning at all, to unstoppable tears.  It said:   "Forecasting showers of happiness.........(and inside) followed by a lifetime of love!"  And the tears flowed in a very inconvenient shower of emotion.

I know that Steven has a good full life ahead of him. I know that he is doing well.  I know that the Gleevec is doing its job.  I know that even if Gleevec stops working that there are other meds out there that will pick up the slack and get him back on track.  I know this deep down as well as right in front of me.  But - those tears would not stop.  I dont even know what it was that got them going.  One minute I was all happy and excited and really enjoying looking for cards and seeing the hope and continuance of life in the marriage of these young adults.......and then bam!  The punch was hard, well aimed and took my breath away......and then I was ok again.  It was as if something just clicked into place, I took a deep breath, the tears stopped and on I went.  God, I am so grateful for being able to do that - to be able to move on again, to know that for now my son is fine - as are my daughters.

Do I feel sorry for Steven?  No, I don't feel sorry for him.  If I did, that would be attaching something negative onto him when it is really not necessary.  Of course I am sorry that he has leukemia and that he has this extra burden to carry with him through his life.....  But when I look at the struggles of others, I know that life really is very very good.

Laura's wedding shower was lovely and the wedding I went to the next day had me very grateful that I could look at it all through the camera lens, shielding myself from some emotions.  Weddings make me cry and I just know that I am going to waste my time by putting on any make up for Steven and Laura's wedding!

Steven had his cbc and PCR drawn last week Thursday. The cbc came back all in the normal range and we are back in that waiting time for the PCR results.  No worries yet, no frillies yet.  Still a way to go and to be honest, I have not thought much about it. Not too long ago cml was like a river in the back of my mind at all times, always being heard, always running.  What a lovely discovery recently when I realized that nowadays cml pops in through a window in my mind, not often staying too long at all and much more of a stream than a river.  I am so thankful on so many levels. 

Hans wrote a lovely blog the other day - he describes cml so incredibly well...... The Black Koi...  I loved it, Hans!

It's lovely to see summer blooming again, the fruit trees are beautiful, they are laden with tiny new fruit, promising an enormous amount of fruit. The grass is growing at a speed that beats the lawnmower and after a mere two weeks, provides a jungle for the doglets.  Little birds are hatching in all the bird houses we have dotted all around the house and it's light in the morning when I wake up.....  All absolutely awesome.  

love and light

1 comment:

CML Wife said...

Best wishes for Steven and Laura's life together to be long and fruitful. We know much of how they feel, as Tyler was diagnosed with CML 5 days before our wedding. Vowing to love one another in sickness and in health held a much different meaning for me than it would have if we hadn't started our CML journey before our marriage.

In any case, we are blessed to know that life can be fleeting and we should seize what joy we can. Not everyone can appreciate the beauty of life as much as one who has had the rose colored glasses stripped away by something like cancer.

So cry your tears when you need to, but always get back up afterwards and seek out the joy in life.

Wishing you all a happy journey together!!