Monday, December 04, 2006

The Elephant left! :-)

I had to find a world map the other day, open it up and show it to the elephant that has been sitting on my shoulders for a good long while now. I pointed out where Africa was, promised it almost unlimited tons of grazing, lots of shade and friends and that hefty elephant left without even a "goodbye" or "thank you ma'm". Boy, is life much better without that weight on my shoulders!

At times I wonder if its just life, or whether this cml thing is what is getting me down. And then I realize that the more I think about it, the less I am living, so I live without cml in the topmost portion of my mind most days and find it easier than before. The new normal? And this is even with blood tests due this week - doing good, I am! :-)

Something had been playing on my mind since we were in Oregon and the appointment with Steven and Dr Druker and Carolyn . I have not been able to voice it up till now. When Steven was diagnosed, my "mother instinct" kicked in and I 'took over', trying to protect him, to make it easier on him. I poured over the results and tests and worried etc, telling Steven that he can "leave it all up to me and get on with his life."

Dr Druker and Carolyn taught me something tremendously valuable - it cannot work this way!When we were there Steven was, rightfully, the person both Carolyn and Dr Druker spoke to and focussed on. At first, and I mean for just the first minute or three, I was almost 'put out' and then it sunk in - I cannot take this away from Steven and he HAS to face it, deal with it together with the rest of his life! And I have to let him have it..... I have to help him deal with it not try to shield him from it. Cml is with him as permanently as his right arm is and he better learn all about it and not allow anyone to totally shield him from this.

That was a very serious moment for me. It made me realise that this is not my disease and that the very best I can now do as a mother is to help Steven cope with it - not try to take it away from him. Now, when he goes to have his blood drawn, he brings the results to me to file and has started discussing them and asking questions. Maybe one day he will even read the support boards I read and get so much help and information from.

And its getting colder here, life is moving on. Christmas is arriving, Steven is looking great and loving being back on day shift, as is Laura! He has a new job within the same company and will not be doing the lifting of heavy books as he was before which will hopefully ease off the knee joint pain he has been having. His college is going really well and I have decided not to let this be 'the first Christmas with cml' but to simpy let it be another Christmas where we will all treasure everyone that means so much to us.

Today when I signed in to write this update, I remembered that it was because I chose to use as a blogsite that I met Penny - because she made the same choice of blogspots to use. Funny how she pops into my mind so many times a day.

Not a day goes by that I dont realize just how fortunate we are in all aspects of our lives, or how proud I am of Steven and all his friends and Miss Laura too for getting on with life in a most normal manner. Truely fortunate and extremely thankful.

And for everyone reading this - you have a reason for coming back, or for popping in here for the first time, may whatever it is, be gentle on your soul.

Love and light

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