Saturday, June 20, 2009

life and miracles..

I am in a good mood, very happy with my life right now and at the same time I am mad, angry and all upset.  The good mood is what is keeping the upper hand, right now, but every now and again the scary part of life pokes itself though like a hernia.  And then I wonder why I write about it - well, because it's part of my life, part of life with cancer in one of my kids and it's real. Also, if I write it, then it's a way of getting it out in a deeper sense, a sort of letting go and moving on.
So, what am I angry about? When I see Steven looking so well, with his life unfolding in front of him, his laughter, his joys, frustrations and his day to day stories and dreams, when I listen to all of this and cml is forgotten it's so good.  And then a simple comment that is made by millions, makes my hackles rise........ "I have lost two pounds, mom", says he with a smile and a totally unworried attitude.  I mean, what is the problem with that?  Well, my mind immediately scrolled through a hundred questions at the speed of light - how are you feeling? does your left side feel swollen, are you less hungry than before?  how...? is......? do....?.....  And cml is squarely back in the limelight.  Just for a moment.
Mostly it's gone in the blink of an eye again - but it's like someone blowing an enormous pink face-covering bubble gum bubble in room when it's least expected.  After it's all back in place, one wonders if it ever happened, and life moves on.  But it happened.
I get angry when I see other youngsters battling this disease and not having a good time of it at all.....  A bone marrow transplant is supposed to 'fix' it and yet I read of people battling other devastating issues created from the gvhd after the transplant.  This is not right, this is not fair and these are the things that make me angry - it should be us oldies getting this stuff, not the 'kids'!
Cml is not in my mind nearly as much as it used to be even a year ago, but there is no use in pretending that it's not there or that I am not keenly aware of how Steven looks and feels.  I really am very fortunate that he is doing so incredibly well and not a day goes by that I dont fervently hope that it continues.
The other side of the cml coin is that it has made me realize that life really is short, vulnerable and very precious.  I try to look at each day as a treasure - without getting too soppy about it, and each time I talk to or see my kids, grandkids, family or friends, I know that that might be the last and I try to make it better than it would have been without that thought.  I cannot say I always succeed - but heck, I try.  
Every day is a miracle that we are all able to be all we are and then tomorrow, today becomes a wonderful memory.  Maybe this is the miracle of living life - the Memory of the Miracle.
Enough rambling........ Big hugs to Diane and Nick...... I SO hope you are doing better tonight.
love and light
ps - the photo is of a grey whale with her newborn calf who visited us in Mexico - I just love the way they stick together...

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