Saturday, May 26, 2007

Positive thoughts......

The UPS truck stopped here again today - but we had ordered nothing so for a few seconds, we were a tad puzzeled. And then out came that square box with BIOHAZARD written on it. Steven's blood test kit for his next PCR next week. Funny how a box makes my blood pressure rise. So now it sits in the little refridgerator in the shop, rather like a pouncing mountain lion whenever I open the door, with cowering bottles of water lying beside it.

There is something wrong having this stuff in my fridge! In anyone's fridge. The months have rolled around so quickly since the last PCR and there were a few moments here and there where I could almost imagine life without the worry of Steven dealing with cml. Almost. But now its back again, and although the test has not yet been done, the waiting has definately started. The stress is already building and I am determined to beat it this time! I will, I will........

Steven's March PCR was slightly higher than the January one but we think and hope and believe that that was due to the change in labs. So this test is one that we would reeeeaaallly like to see a definate drop in readings....... and we will get the results a month from now. Yes, a whole month. But I won't worry, won't fret, won't bite my nails or think about it too much........ oh suuuure! I just hope I won't do all that as much as I did last time - hope that my ability to cope with this is getting better. I feel that it is and I hope it gets better and better because that would mean that Steven would be doing just superbly! :-)

He is doing great right now, working hard and taking the summer off from college and still smiling that incredible smile. This young man is really my hero.

Now, on a very sad note. I had been following Davo's blog - he had cml and was from the UK. This Memorial Day morning he passed away. I did not know this young man personally, but through his writing and his blog he helped me see that I should see Steven first and then the leukemia. As hard as that is, Davo showed me how important it is to keep seeing the person first. His poem, the one that is a few posts below, really made a difference. Thanks Davo - I will always remember you, and when the cure arrives, I will keep my promise and send you a funky balloon!

I thought so much about Davo's mom these past few weeks. How she must be hurting, how she must wish so hard that this was not happening to any of them. I cannot begin to imagine how to deal with that. I don't want to even try to imagine, so instead I just try to send gentle thoughts across to them all... so little when they must be hurting so much.

And then I found that book, The Secret, and then a friend sent me the original un-dumbed down book from 1910 and the more in depth one from 1912. Its all about positive thinking and is incredibly sensible reading....... Only positive thoughts allowed from me for now - so you all get tons of positive thoughts - duck! they are coming! LOL

So, life is proving itself to be normal. Ups and downs, hurts and happiness, wins and losses, and never knowing what is coming next. This is life, and I still want to live it. Thanks for those words, Bea - they are so true!

Love and Light


Sophie said...

Hi Annie,

I just found your blog. I am Sophie, Davo's friend, the girl that is looking after his blog page for him.

Your comments were lovely. Davo would like it very much that you are thinking of his mum.

He was bursting with pride when you used his poem and put it on your blog page. He really loved that very much :-) Thank you!

Davo has so many truly beautiful poems. I am planning on making a small batch of handmade books of them in aid of Leukaemia Research. Davo's poems seem to have such a powerful effect on everyone who reads them :-)

My husband Floyd was diagnosed with AML 2 1/2 years ago and we met Davo through this association.

Lots of love to you,


Sophie said...

ps: I forgot to add, I am a big fan of The Secret! Also 'The Game of Life' by Florence Scovel-Shinn which is very similar but written in 1935!

It truly works wonders!